


Learning As We Go

by HazyCosmicJive



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: AU, Bipolar Disorder, Flirting, Isak is already out, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mention Of Suicide Attempt, Not Canon Compliant, Some angst, Tutoring, but not a whole bunch bc i cant stand it :(, discussion of suicide attempt, i just dont know how to communicate any other way for some reason, lots of cussing, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-06 22:56:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11046072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazyCosmicJive/pseuds/HazyCosmicJive
Summary: Isak is stuck tutoring Even after a prank goes wrongthis is a reupload of a deleted fic*on hiatus*





	1. Ch.1

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my reupload of a story I had deleted a few months(?) back when some stuff happened in my life, but I figured it seemed like people liked it so I decided to upload it again

Jonas is a little bitch. Magnus is a little bitch. And mahdi is a little bitch. It’s not like they weren’t in on the prank. Actually it was THEIR prank. Isak was just a poor pawn. And of fucking course he’s the one that gets caught.

 

_‘Dude we’re so sorry. We’ll make it up to you, we swear’_

 

He’s pissed to be the only one caught, but obviously he isn’t going to fucking snitch. Still. They fucking suck.

 

So here he is, waiting, in the empty biology room. He’s supposed to be meeting some student that he now has to tutor. Sometimes he hates actually being a good student, but at least this way he doesn’t get suspended and he can do his punishment at school. A suspension would look really bad on college applications, so there is that at least, even if it is during his free period.

 

_‘Hey maybe you’ll get lucky and it will be a cute guy!’_

_Magnus had suggested, to which Isak had rolled his eyes._

_‘Maybe if you guys hadn’t left me in the lurch, I wouldn’t have to do this at all.’_

_‘Well you do get good marks in like maths and sciences and stuff,’ Jonas had tried to co_

_to comfort, ‘so at least it won’t be hard.’_

 

_‘I get good grades because I study and do my_

_work, and now I have to do someone_

_else’s too!’ he had glared at the curly haired boy._

_His group of friends had just shrugged sheepishly and looked away awkwardly._

_‘Isak, bro, seriously we’ll make it up to you.’ Jonas had reassured him again._

 

 

He’s not really upset that they aren’t being punished. Like, he knows they would’ve taken the blame if it had been one of them. Still, it’s fucking annoying that he is being punished.

 

After waiting for like an hour (5 minutes), finally a teacher, whom Isak didn’t recognize, and a boy, whom Isak also did not recognize, walked through the door.

 

Looking at the boy, Isak knew that Magnus wasn’t going to let him live this down, because jesus christ, this boy is more than cute, he is fucking gorgeous. He is tall, towering over the female teacher, with wispy blonde hair and blue eyes. Of course Isak has to also notice his lips. Beautiful, full lips, a little chapped, but nothing Isak would say no to.

The boy wasn’t even wearing anything spectacular, a jean jacket, sweater, and just average straight leg jeans, but there he was, still looking like he just walked out of a clothing catalogue.

The boys eyebrows shot up suggestively, which made Isak realize that he had been staring and hadn’t even heard a word unknown-teacher-lady had said. He felt a blush rapidly rise up from his neck all the way to the tips of his ears, to which the boy might have definitely noticed as he gave Isak a smirk.

 

“—anyway, you and Even will meet here every Tuesday at 11.”

With that the teacher bid them a quick farewell and left the boys to awkwardly stare at each other.

 

“Soooo,” Isak elongated, rolling back on the heels of his feet, “I don’t recognize you, so did you just transfer or?”

 

“Yeah, I missed a lot of classes at my old school so I have to repeat my year. I transferred for like a new start, you know.” The taller boy,  _Even_ , answered. He felt inclined to ask him why, but the finality in his voice indicated that was the end of that conversation. So now they were back to an awkward silence before Even spoke up again.

 

“I know it’s kind of sad that a third year needs help from a second year, but i was told you are really good at this stuff.

 

“You’re a third year?” Isak asked surprised and a bit confused. Even returned his confusion with, what was probably the biggest smile Isak as ever seen on a human person.

 

“Were you really that distracted by my, granted, stunningly good looks?” he laughed, making Isak more flustered.

 

“No!” Isak denied, feeling his face grow hotter somehow. “I was probably distracted by the disgusting amount of cologne you’re wear! Just so you know, if we are going to be working together, I do need to be able to breath.”

 

To Isak’s embarrassment, Even seemed even more amused.

 

“You noticed my cologne? I’m flattered.” The taller boy teased him further, dramatically placing his hand on his heart,. “Sorry for taking your breath away, I do have that effect on people, sorry to say”

 

Then he winked! He fucking winked!

Isak rolled his eyes and sat down beside where Even I had just sat.

“So what is it you need help with?”

 

“You really weren’t listening, huh?” Even laughed again.

 

_‘He’s actually really hot when he smiles.’ God now is not the time for that!_

 

“Yeah, well I didn’t exactly sign up for this. I’m here on punishment.” He rolled his eyes again.

 

“If you keep doing that your eyes are gonna get stuck up there.”

 

“What?” Isak looked over at the other boy in confusion. Even laughed. Again.

 

“My mom used to tell me that when I was younger and rolled my eyes at her.” He grinned. Isak had to fight the urge to roll his eyes again.

 

“Hmm, seems she was right. Your eyes do look a little high up.” He quipped.   _Wow great. Now he was flirting. Definitely flirting. He needs to quit, Even probably doesn’t even like guys that way._

 

“So are you going to tell me, or are we just going to sit here and stare at each other?” Isak raised an eyebrow.

 

“While I certainly wouldn’t mind sitting here staring at you,” Even smiled, “but I actually want to graduate this year. So, as Anja said before while you were distracted by my outstanding good looks, I mostly have problems with algebra. I wasn’t so great before I missed a lot of classes, so that’s why I need a tutor. Preemptive action and all that.”

 

“Algebra? Really?” Isak asked in surprise.

 

“Maths were never my subject.” The other boy shrugged, but this time Isak could see the hint of a blush on Even.

 

“Well you’re in luck,” Isak declared decidedly, “I’m great at algebra, possibly the best. Certainly in this school!”

 

“Wow, I feel blessed to be in the presence of such excellency.” Even mused, “To think, the same boy who got caught in the girls’ locker room, classy by the way, is also the next undiscovered genius.”

Isak squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. _Of course Even heard about that, who hadn’t heard about that._

 

“The only thing anyone has been talking about.” he heard Even say, and even with his eyes closed he could hear the smile in his voice. Sighing in defeat, Isak opened his eyes.

 

“My dumbass friends thought it would be sooooo funny to sneak into the girls’ locker room and put itching cream, I know super creative right, into like their undergarments.” Isak groaned, “You have to understand, normally I wouldn’t agree to such nonsense, as I am very sophisticated—”

 

“The most sophisticated probably.”

“Exactly!” Isak continued, “but there was this incident where I got a little too….inebriated, and spilled some secrets to some friends of ours, girls….”

 

“Mhm,” Even’s eyes were twinkling.

 

“And of course, they had to throw in that because I’m gay, I probably wouldn’t get in as much trouble as one of them. But I get in there, and of course, of fucking course, in comes my fucking biology teacher, right out of the shower! No one was supposed to be in there! Let alone the fucking shower!”

 

Even is openly laughing at this point.

 

“Sure, sure, go ahead and laugh!” Isak exclaims, “Meanwhile I immediately closed my eyes, willing that image to be forcefully removed from my retinas. Tried to leave, but obviously my eyes were shut so I trip over a goddamn bench. Apparently the noise had gotten people’s attention, so all these girls come in and started laughing, all the while my biology teacher is going off on me, like I am not the one who has probably been scarred for life! Finally get dragged out of the locker room and see my dickwad friends laughing their asses off!”

 

Even grabbed Isak’s wildly flailing arms, “That sounds truly tragic Isak.” He said solemnly.

 

“I have a priest on standby,” Isak responded just as sincerely, “In case I need to get my hands on some holy water to douse my eyes.”

 

With that, neither one would keep a straight face, and burst out laughing. After calming down, Even smiled at isak again.

 

“So you’re gay huh? So you were checking me out!”

 

Isak reddened again. Yes, he’s out, but it’s still kind of weird to bring attention to it.

 

“Please! You’re not even my type!” Isak scoffed. And was also a complete lie. He’d never given any thought to what his type might be, too busy trying in vain to get turned on by girls, and too deep in the closet to even give thought to what type of boys he liked. But whatever it is, Even definitely seemed to be it.

 

“Oh? I’m not?” Even dramatically pretended to be offended, “And what is your type?”

 

“I don’t know, less full of himself? Good at math for starters.” He answered smugly.

 

“Ouch!” Even sucked in a breath, “Going for throat! You wound me, Isak. And here I was imagining our future together.”

 

“The only future we have is getting through these damn sessions.”

 

   


	2. Ch.2

He’d started a new school for a fresh start. It wasn’t that he couldn’t have went back to Bakka, he wasn’t expelled, but all Even could associate it with was a horrible time in his life. Of course the people bothered him as well. It wasn’t that they knew he was bipolar, though prefer they hadn’t… But the way everyone treated him now. There were the people who were afraid of him, instantly jumping away when he walked by. There were the people who thought he was disgusting and would sneer at him. And there were the people who pitied him. That might have been the worst of all. People  watching the way the way they act around him. Watching what they say around him, watching him. He hated it. And he hated himself for the things he did. He did stupid shitty things, and he knows it was the illness, but the shit he did and said were just, not okay either. The only person that he felt he truly had was Sonja.

 

Sonja and he had started dating when they were both 15. It didn’t last. Where she was smart and composed, he was artistic and bit disorganized. Their differences worked in the beginning, like filling in holes, yet it never stood a chance. What once seemed perfect, drove them apart. She was tired of having to be his manager, and he was tired of having to draw her out of her comfort zone. She liked to plan, while he wanted spontaneity. So they fought. A lot. The subdued kind, where their silences could create tensions that cut like a knife. Passive aggressive comments that almost became like a game. Of course the subtlety only expanded until there was one big explosion. Screaming, insults, slamming doors, breaking up. Sonja always came back, but finally the summer after he turned 17 they broke it off for good. This time it wasn’t the product of heated words, just one day she sat him down and said ‘I don’t think we should be together,’ and he agreed.

 

He didn’t regret his relationship with Sonja. She was so beautiful and her ability to handle anything that came at her was amazing. There was nothing wrong with Sonja, she just wasn’t right for him, or him for her.

 

After his episode, though, she approached him for the first time in weeks, not that they had been avoiding each other, they hadn’t crossed paths much. She simply hugged him tightly and whispered in his ear, “It’s okay, Even.” Shortly after than began to hang out again. As friends. Then one day it just happened. Afterward she told him she still didn’t think they should date. To which he laughed boisterously and wholeheartedly agreed.

 

_’No, absolutely not’_

 

They didn’t hook up all the time or anything, but they had fun together without getting complicated. The only thing he was going to miss from Bakka was her presence and her ability to keep him grounded.

 

No matter what anyone says, being the new kid was scary. On top of that, it’s not like Bakka is all that far from Nissen, so he had to worry about rumors following him over. He just did his best to push those thoughts to the back of his mind.

 

The first day: uneventful. He met with the principal  to go over his schedule and teachers. They discussed a tutor because Even was behind and he wasn’t going to fuck that up just because he sucks at maths.

 

Classes were normal, just like most other schools. He did turn a few heads. He transferred during the school year, so he was bound to peak some interests. A couple of girls chatted him up and he obliged with his normal charm. Thus far, he’s received no indication that anyone had heard about him.

 

Then came tuesday. This time he was to meet the guy that would be tutoring him. Apparently the guy was a second year, which immediately made him believe he must be some sort of nerd, so when they entered the vacant biology room he was surprised to see a sulky boy in a backwards cap slouching by the window.

 

The boy had looked up as soon as they had entered the room, and as they had continued to approach him his eyes stayed transfixed on Even. Fuck, the boy was cute, though, in that moody teenage boy way. Ha, moody. He hadn’t been able to keep himself from teasing the boy so he raised his eyebrows suggestively toward him. The boy immediately turned red. He hadn’t really been listening to the teacher, but it was all stuff he’d heard before. He was delighted, however, when it became obvious that Isak had been so distracted by him, that he too hadn’t been listening to the teacher.

 

Shamelessly, Even had flirted with him. He blushed each time. He decided Isak looked good in red.

 

Of course he brought up Isak being gay, after the boy casually mentioned it in his rambling attempt to explain the prank that landed him here with Even, in an empty classroom, on a Tuesday morning. He already knew Isak was gay, or at least bi. Straight boys don’t look at other boys the way Isak had looked at him. He teased him again about being attracted to him, but honestly he had been trying to hint that he was interested in him too.

 

When they had ended the session he knew he had to see him again next week, but all he wanted was to find a way to hang out with him and just chill. He wanted to know more about him, outside of school.

 

Okay so love at first sight is bullshit. He knew that, yet Isak stuck in his brain all day. So he started asking around. He tried to make it sound casual, but it had probably still seemed odd for a third year who was new at school to be asking about some random second year. Everyone told him that Isak was gay. Jesus christ why was that always the first thing out of straight person’s mouth? No one had seemed to really know a whole lot about him apart from him being gay and his botched prank. He did, happily, find out that Isak smoked. Jack _pot_. No pun intended. After that, all he had to do was find a way for him to come over.

 

He hadn’t been able to think of any way that wouldn’t be odd, so he had ended up just sending him a text saying he couldn’t make the next session. Isak agreed to meet him on a different day, but nope that wasn’t in the plan, so he told him he had Norwegian and then suggested they meet at his place to study. Thankfully, Isak had agreed to it.

 

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on his door.

 

“Even, Sonja’s here.” his mom told him through the door.

 

“All decent in here?” Sonja smiled as she peeked her head through the doorway.

 

“Like that’d be anything you haven’t seen before.” He smiled brightly and she laughed and plopped herself down beside him on the floor.

 

“So how is the new school?” she asked him.

 

“I met a boy.” He answered instead. She raised her eyebrows.

 

“Wow that was quick!” She teased and bumped her shoulder into his. He shrugged sheepishly.

 

“Is he cute?”

 

“He’s like a puppy.”

 

She laughed.

 

“He’s my tutor.” He then told her.

 

“Oooh a forbidden romance!” She continued to tease him. He shoved her gently in response.

 

“Well just remember Romeo, you’re there to learn,” she warned, “don’t get too distracted.”

 

“I know, I know!” Even rolled his eyes, but still, he looked down and smiled slightly. Who knew he would find himself looking for to anything to do with math?


	3. Ch.3

Tutoring Even hadn't been so bad, granted it was only the first session, and Even wasn’t kidding about being bad at math. He never expected to be explaining trinomials to an 18 year old. Those were things you learned when you were like 14.

 

“Halla!” Isak greeted his group of friends cheerfully.

 

“You’re in a good mood.” Jonas smirked, then he nudged Mahdi who was standing right beside him, “He must’ve been hot!”

 

To which all his friends snickered.

 

“Aw fuck you guys!” Isak complained.

 

“But why are you always so embarrassed? You find guys hot! So what! I find girls hot and I get teased about it all the time!” Magnus exclaimed earnestly, and animatedly throwing his hands in the air.

 

“Dude, we don’t tease you for thinking girls are hot. We tease you because you’re clueless!” Mahdi shook his head. Magnus let out and outraged breath and Isak rolled his eyes.

 

“We’re going for Kebab after school, you in?” Jonas raised his eyebrows and tilted his head toward him.

 

“Can’t.” Isak sighed. “Have to do laundry. Noora was really pissy about it some how always being her week, so she let us all have it. I don’t really want to be messing with her to be honest.”

 

“How much laundry can you have, though?” Jonas questioned.

 

“Uh...well,” Isak blushed, “I’ve been wearing clothes-that-smell-decent for the past week...and I still have to figure out the washing machine…”

 

“You don’t know how to use a washing machine, damn you’re almost as hopeless as Magnus!” Mahdi laughed.

 

“I know how to use a washing machine! They’re just...all different.” Isak finished lamely.

 

“Well, we’re still pregaming at Eva’s friday, you still coming?” Jonas raised his eyebrows toward him.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.” he answered with a wave of his hand, “but I gotta get on, so i’ll see ya.”

 

 

-

The first thing that happened when Isak walked into the flat was a stern looking Noora, who stared right through him.

 

“Oi! I didn’t forget!” He grumbled. “I’m a master of doing laundry! I’ll do laundry like no one’s ever seen before!”

 

“Well the “no one’s ever seen before” part is accurate.” She rolled her eyes and turned around, “ hope you have laundry detergent.”

 

 

“You do have laundry detergent, right?” She asked him looking over her shoulder.

 

_‘shit’_

 

“Um, do you think I could borrow some…” He mumbled back.

 

 

In the end, he ended up borrowing some from Eskild.

 

“Sure why not? You don’t pay rent so why pay for detergent?” Eskild had responded dramatically. Everyone in the whole damn flat was so dramatic.

 

 

Isak laid in his bed thumbing through various social media apps on his phone, and he couldn’t help trying to find Even. He typed Even in but it didn’t accomplish much since Even is a common name in Norway and ‘even’ is a common word in English. Even though they’d traded number he didn’t think about asking his last name, so predictably he came up fruitless. He flopped over onto his back and sighed.

 

_‘God, what am I doing?’_

 

His inner angst was interrupted when a loud shriek pierced through the walls.

 

“The fuck!” He jolted upright.

 

“Isak!” Noora’s voice came out in a tight voice.

 

Isak narrowed his eyes, but treaded out to see what was going on.

 

“What the fuck!?” His eyes widened when he saw the sight in front of him. The floor around the washing machine was soaked and there were soap bubbles everywhere.

 

“Yes. Isak. What the hell??” Linn glared at him. Well actually everyone was glaring at him.

“How much detergent did you use!?” Noora exclaimed.

 

“Uh I don’t know...I just poured some in and turned it on…” He answered wide-eyed. Noora rubbed her head as if she was developing a headache.

 

“Isak, there is instructions right on the door.” Eskild said pointedly.

 

“I’m not cleaning this up.” Noora looked straight at him.

 

“Jeez! I’ll clean it up, chill.” Isak grumbled.

 

The job turned out to take him a lot longer than it probably should have, and it didn’t help that Eskild stood around eating popcorn like it was some sort of TV show.

 

“Eskild, if you aren’t going to help can you please leave.”

 

Eskild hummed but didn’t move from his spot. Isak felt his phone vibrate so he pulled it out of his pocket only to have it snatched by Eskild.

 

“Eskild!”

 

“Tsk! Tsk!” Eskild hushed him, “No distractions ⸺ _oooh_ who’s Even?”

 

“Give me my phone back!” Isak demanded.

 

“You missed a spot right there.” Eskild ignored him. “Do you have a secret boyfriend my baby gay son?”

 

“No!” Isak glared and grabbed his phone out of Eskild’s hand. “He’s just the guy I’m tutoring. And don’t call me your baby gay son. It’s weird.”

 

“Well I didn’t know students sent their teachers dick pics.” He said bluntly.

 

“What!?” Isak screeched and looked down at his phone, only to see that it was just a message asking if he can meet him at a different time next week. He threw Eskild a dirty look. “You’re a dick.”

 

Eskild cackles and Isak scowls even more. Isak decided he would answer once he was finished so he slipped the phone back into his pocket.

 

_‘Why does he need to reschedule? We literally meet in the middle of the school day.’_

 

 

To Even:

Hey Even, I guess we can

What about wednesday? I have a

free period at 11

 

From Even:

I have norwegian :(

Do you just want to come to mine

after school? I can make you one

of my famous cheese toasties

 

To Even:

Okay im out at 15:15

Better be the best damn cheese

toastie ive ever had

 

From Even:

:D


	4. ch.4

 

Isak makes his way through the crowds searching for his friends. The sound was deafening with the booming bass and occasionally an elicit uproar from the crowd when a girl making out with another girl will start to feel her up. Parties were so much more chill since Isak came out, before he only enjoyed them because they allowed him to "assert" his straightness by hooking up with random girls. He chuckled to himself and was in awe about how much better he felt now. Sure the party is all booze spilled everywhere and elbows in his sides, but he can finally just live.

 

"Fuck!" There's a particularly sharp jab in his ribs.

 

"Isak!!" A clearly drunken Eva squealed. "Oh my god! Have you seen Chris??"

 

He rolled his eyes even as she lazily wraps herself around him for support.

 

"Boy Chris or girl Chris? Wait never mind I haven't seem either so..." He told her. She pouted and then laughed. "Have you seen Jonas?"

 

"Um yeah," she drawled, "I think he was in the bathroom. Why are you guys always hanging out in my bathroom?"

 

"Do you need me to stay with you Eva? Are you okay?"

 

"No no go be with your boyfriends, I see Vilde over there." She waved over to the blond girl being crowded uncomfortably against the wall by an very overzealous couple making out.

 

"HA! Like she would believe that! She's still salty about you almost having her kosegruppa shut down because you smoked pot in the bathroom!" She laughed hysterically and then curiously asked, "wait is that what you guys do in my bathroom?"

 

"BYE Eva!" He managed to shuffle  away from her. He was glad things weren't awkward between them. When she and Jonas had their problems Isak worried they wouldn't be friends anymore because, well, _Jonas_ was his best friend, but he grew to be really close friends with her. One time even admitting his old crush on Jonas. He freaked out later and refused to talk about it, she tried to get through to him but she never pressed. Of course now all she does is tease him about boys.

 

_'Soooo Isak... I have a confession" Eva nudged him. They were sitting in her room watching Project Runway (which he will never admit that he likes; he swore Eva to secrecy)._

_"Um, okay?" He raised one of his eyebrows at her._

_"I kind of already knew you were gay"  she looks at the floor._

_"What!?" He yells._

_"Yeah, um me and Noora saw some porn on your phone"  she tells him bashfully._

_"Why did you have my phone???" He is incredulous._

_"You let us borrow it!" She exclaims._

_"So you just went through my stuff?" He demands._

_"No!" She says defensively, "We just opened the browser and there were like a million tabs just left open! Why don't you close out of your porn or use incognito, Isak? Those are rookie mistakes!" She defends herself._

_"I can't believe this." He runs his fingers through his hair, then groans flopping backwards._

_"Its okay Isak, it's not like we would've ever told anyone before you were ready to do it yourself." She smiles._

_"It's so embarrassing though!" He groans again._

_They lay there for awhile in a comfortable silence, until Eva wiggled closer._

_"Iiiiiiiiiiisak!"  Eva stretches his name._

_"Eeeeeeeva!" He mimicked her._

_"Chris Berg? Uh I guess..."_

_"Shut up Isak! You know who I meant."_

_"I think Chris is an asshole and full of himself." He states._

_"You're not answering the question!" She sings._

_"Stoooop" he complains._

_"Come on, he's cute right!" She exclaims._

_"Fine! Yes. He's cute. But from a physical standpoint only. I still think he's an ass!" He gives up. Eva rolls onto her side , supported by her elbow, and props her head on her hand._

_"You're cute too, you know, Isak. Boys are going to go crazy for you." She scrunches her nose and pinches his cheek. He shoves her hand away, but is laughing._

_"Shut up!"_

 

 

 

Isak is pushing his way through the smashed teenagers until he finally makes it into the bathroom. Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus are indeed in there, and they are indeed smoking.

 

"Isak!" Magnus throws his hands in the air.

 

"Sup boys," he says sitting down in the bathtub beside Jonas.

 

"You missed Magnus trying to hit on a girl and get shot down so hard." Mahdi laughs.

 

"Yeah?" He laughs.

 

"Yeah he was talking to her then he asked if she was on her period, you know 'just in case'" Mahdi is cracking up.

 

"You did what!" Isak starts cracking up too.

 

"Like you could do any better Isak!" Magnus grumbled.

 

"Me? Um did you forget that I used to get girls all the time before I came out? I'm gay and I can still get girls more interested in me!"

 

"Screw you guys!" Magnus seems genuinely upset.

 

"Fuck Magnus, we don't mean to be mean alright? But listen, bro, you can't just ask girls if they're on their period." Jonas patted Magnus' arm.

 

"Why not, though?"

 

"I think you found out just a moment ago."

 

"Well Isak how is project love going for you? You know with the guy you're tutoring?" Magnus asks Isak.

 

"What are you talking about?" Isak looks at him like he's an idiot.

 

"Well he's hot right? And you're gay so like are you hooking up?" He asks curiously.

 

"There are so many things wrong with that statement Mags." Isak rubs the bridge ohis nose. "First of all just because I'm gay doesn't mean I want to or do hook up with every guy I meet. Secondly, I've literally only talked to him once."

 

"Hey but you didn't say he wasn't hot!" Magnus cries.

 

"Eyyy!" Both Jonas and Mahdi exclaim.

 

"Yeah yeah yeah, okay yeah he's hot." Isak rolls his eyes.

 

"What's his name?" Jonas asks passing him the joint.

 

"Even." He says after exhaling his hit.

 

"I don't know an Even, is he a first year?"

 

“No. Third.”

 

“Whaaaaaaatttt!” Magnus yelled. “Woo! Isak’s gonna get an older boyfriend!”

 

“Dude. Listen. Okay, it’s not that I don’t want a boyfriend, but it’s not as easy as being straight.” Isak grumbled.

 

“What do you mean?” Magnus furrowed his eyebrows.

 

“Like you guys can go out there and hit on girls and it’s no big deal, but I have to be careful. Most people are straight but I have to guess who is gay and who isn’t. It’s really stressful and I don’t know how it fucking works. It seemed like he was flirting with me but I don’t fucking know, maybe he was just being nice, hell maybe he was making fun of me.” Isak leaned back against the bathroom wall.

 

“....I..can’t say it’s exactly the same, but I get it. Asking anyone out is hard, so it has to be harder when the signs and number are fewer. But not doing anything isn’t going to get you anywhere either, bro.” Mahdi responded to him. “If he’s being nice then I doubt he’d be homophobic if he isn’t interested, and if he is, you know we always got your back.”

Both Magnus and Jonas nodded in agreement. Isak already knew that, but he still feels warmth expand across his body.

“ffff you guys are gay.” Isak laughed.

It wasn’t long before the party started to get out of hand. So all the guys decided it was best to get gone before the cops show up again.


	5. ch.5

 

Today was going to be a good day. Even woke up at 07:00, actually feeling refreshed. The sun was out, and the weather perfect. He couldn’t help but think the day was in his favor. Today was also the day he got to hang out with Isak.

As he walked into the school, he made his way toward Isak’s locker. Isak wasn’t there yet, but he hung around anyway hoping to catch him before his class. Unfortunately, it’s not like he knew Isak’s schedule. However, the day throws him another bone, convincing Even that fate was truly on his side. Isak entered the hall. Even could see him laughing, which drew a smile to his own face. He was accompanied by two other boys, a dark haired one and one with straight blonde hair.

_‘its now or never’_

 

“Hey Isak!” he greeted the group, and sauntered forward while simultaneously trying to make sure he came across confident. Isak looked caught off guard, like he’s been caught in someone’s headlights. His friends, of course, eyed Isak waiting for some sort of introduction.

“Uh...hi Even.” Isak coughed.

“Even!?” The blonde one exclaimed, a bit comically in Even’s opinion. “This is Even!? This hottie?”

Even’s eyes darted over to Isak, a smile playing at his lips. He almost couldn’t withhold his enthusiasm that Isak must have talked about him. Isak’s other friend, the dark haired one, didn’t say anything, instead just continued to survey him. A little unnerving if he was being honest.

“Ugh, shut up Magnus!” Isak blushed. A smile once again played on Even’s lips as Isak cleared his throat again.

“Um, yeah, guys this is Even. I’m tutoring him.” Isak gestured to him attempting to seem nonchalant and failing pretty miserable, but it was cute.

“Jonas.” the dark haired one stuck his hand out politely, to which Even took appreciatively.

“I’m Magnus!” the blonde all but shouted.

Even turned to shake his hand as well, but clearly Magnus had other plans, as instead he leapt on him, dragging him into a giant hug. Even laughed heartily at the surprise.

“So,” Even said turning back to Isak, having been released from the hug, “ I came over to talk about after school. Uh, I was wondering if you wanted my address, or just to meet up after school and go to my place together?”

“Wait you’re going to Even’s?” Magnus yelps, “can I come?”

Isak looks at him like he’s a three year old child.

“Uh, no?? Why would you come?” Isak demands, “besides it’s school stuff. We couldn’t meet yesterday so we’re doing it today.”

Isak turned back to Even.

“Well I rode my bike today soo…” He trailed off.

“I rode the bus, so maybe we could both just ride your bike to my house? It doesn’t really make sense to take different transportation.” Even suggested.

“Um, yeah, I guess. Yeah. Okay” Isak agreed.

“Cool, um where should we meet?” Even raises his eyebrows.

“I get off at 15:15; we can meet by the bike rack?” he responded.

“Alright, sounds good. I’ll be waiting.” Even winked, and Magnus’ eyes lit up again. He could hear Magnus talking excitedly as he walked away.

“Dude!! He’s so cool! Why didn’t you mention how cool he is! I bet he get’s girls all the time!” He can hear the boy shouting. Even wonders if he has an inside voice, as everything seems to come out at least three volumes higher than the normal acceptable volume of conversation.

“Okay, maybe you have a crush on Even.” He heard Isak say. Even chuckles; he’s pretty sure he can actually hear Isak rolling his eyes.

 

 

The rest of the day was a blur. Classes, classes, classes. Even did the best that he could to focus but he couldn’t wait to leave class. After his last class was dismissed he practically sprinted out the door. He had even made sure to have everything he needed from his locker, as to not have to stop back after class. He knew it was probably premature, as undoubtedly Isak was probably going to go to his locker.

 

As he suspected, Isak was not at the bike rack when he got there. Checking his phone for the time, he noted that it was only 15:10. To pass the time he looked at the bikes trying to guess which one might be Isak’s.

 

“You looking to snag someone’s bike?”

 

Even spun around to see Isak smirking at him.

 

“You never know.” He flashed him a smile and raised his eyebrows. “So you ready?”

 

Isak nodded. “You can sit on the back rack.”

 

“Really? Not your lap? That’s too bad.” Even smirked.

 

“Be pretty difficult to peddle.” Isak smiled back. Flirting. Definitely flirting.

 

“Well we don’t know for sure if we don’t try?” Even continued the flirtation.

 

“Who's to say I haven't?” Isak raised his eyebrow.

 

“Wow, what a player.” Even laughed. “I guess we should really get going though.”

 

Isak climbed on while Even situated himself behind him. He put his hands on Isak’s sides. Isak jumped at the contact.

 

“You okay?” Even asked.

 

“Um yeah. Sorry just wasn’t expecting it.”

 

“I mean are you cool with it? I just need to hang on to something, but I can hold onto the front of the rack. Just a little more difficult, but it’s not a problem if that’s what you prefer.” Even told him. Of course he would rather hold on to Isak, but he doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable. He might be flirting like crazy, but he likes him; he doesn’t want to fucking molest him.

 

“No, it’s okay. Like I said I was just surprised s’all.” Isak assured him. “But don't get too grabby.”

 

“Excuse me? I am a gentleman. I would at least wine and dine you first.” Even laughed.

 

“I’m not a cheap date. You have to go all out or forget it.” Isak said back while pushing off. The bike was wobbly at first as he got used to the extra weight on the bike.

 

“I wouldn’t expect less. I’d take you out to a Japanese steakhouse, we’d order everything on the menu. I’d even hire a driver to escort us. We’d end the night at a hotel. Not a skeezy one. It’d be a high rise and we’d be all the way up at the top, in a suite.”

 

“A suite?” Isak laughed

 

"Of fucking course. Nothing but the best for princess Vivian!" Even exclaimed

 

"Princess Vivian??"

 

"Princess Vivian? No? Really? Oh hey hey you need to take this road up here, other left."

 

Isak veered to the left.

 

"Wait no not that way!"

 

"You said the left!"

 

"Shit, I meant right. Maybe I should pedal." Even suggested.

 

"Fuck. Fine." Isak agreed.

 

Isak stopped the bike so he and Even could switch places.

 

"Now don't be afraid to hold on tight." Even flicked his eyebrows upwards.

 

"Do you ever stop talking?" Isak groaned but still smiled widely.

 

Even hit every bump possible on their way to his home.

 

"Jesus Christ, dude, have you ever ridden a bike before!?" Isak grumbled.

 

"I'm sorry, it's bumpy. Just hold on tighter." He  apologized.

 

Even feels Isak's arms wrap around his waist. This is what he wanted but he felt his heart start to race. Nervosity sinking in. Finally, they make it to his home.

 

"Well this is it! Casa de Even." He announced. Isak clambered off the bike and Even followed suit.

 

"I'm just going to put your bike with mine, and then we can head inside."

 

 

 

"Hellooo!" Even called out upon entering the house. He knew full well his parents weren't there, but no harm in double checking. "Looks like we're alone."

 

Isak nodded noncommittally, rather he took in his surroundings.

 

"Do you want anything? Like a drink? Water? Beer?" Even fidgeted. He wasn’t sure why. This was part of his plan. Get Isak over to his house, learn more about him, etc. But at that moment he thought his heart may jump out of his chest.

 

"Sure, a beer sounds good." Isak replied with a small smile.

 

"Sweet. I'll grab us both one, you can go ahead and go to my room. It's at the end of the hall to the right." Even nodded toward the hallway.

 

"The right? Are you sure?" Isak raised an eyebrow. This time Even rolled his eyes.

 

"Yes Isak. It's on the right."

 

Even watched as Isak disappeared into his room, then turned around and leaned on the counter. He needed to calm down.

 

'Relax Even'

 

Taking a deep breath, he grabbed the beers and headed to his room. Inside, Isak was standing looking at some of his drawings he has pinned up.

 

"Did you draw these?" He asked Even sounding a bit in awe.

 

"Uh yeah" Even felt a little bit flustered.

 

"They're good."

 

"You think?"

 

"Mhm very funny." Isak said sincerely. "Are you ready to get started?"

 

"Depends."

 

"Hmm?" Isak asked in confusion turning to look at him. In his hand he is holding a joint, his eyebrows raised in a nonverbal question. Isak's face lit up.

 

-

"So 90s rap really? You do strike me as the type." Even remarked.

 

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Isak asked in mock indignation.

 

"You just look like the kind of fuckboy who walks around thinking he's cool for listening to biggie." He teased the other boy.

 

"Wow so judgemental!" Isak rasped.

 

"Nah I'm just kidding. 90s rap is pretty good. I'm a bigger fan of Nas though." He smiled.

 

"Who's Nas?" Isak asked.

 

"Wh—who's Nas? Are you kidding me right now Isak? Who is Nas. Prolific, that's who he is." Even cracked.

 

"Well I mean I've...heard of him...I just forgot for a minute!" Isak blushed. And Even’s heart warmed.

 

"You're such a liar!" Even shouted back. "Its okay though, I'll show his stuff. You'll like it."

 

Isak smiled shyly back.

 

"So," Isak cleared his throat, "where did you go to school before?"

 

Even faltered for a moment.

 

"Uh, Bakka." He answered and took another hit.

 

"Did you not like it there?" The question is innocent enough.

 

"I just needed to make a change. It's nothing huge. But it's in the past and right now I'm living for the future." Even answered vaguely. Now is probably not the time to bring up all his personal baggage. Not yet.

 

"Him," Isak hummed in approval, "and where do you see your future?"

 

"America, maybe Denmark. I want to make movies." Even grinned.

 

"Yeah?" Isak seemed genuinely interested.

 

"Yeah I love films. There a not a whole lot of opportunities in Norway, but I want to come back. Change Norwegian film culture." Even explained.

 

"You will." Isak replied while looking out the window from the windowsill they were perched on.

 

"What?" Even asked surprised by his assertiveness. Isak shrugged.

 

"You will." He said again.

 

"Why do you say?" Even lifted an eyebrow, truly curious.

 

"You're passionate." He answered  with a shrug.

 

"I haven't really said much." He insisted, mostly to elicit a stronger explanation.

 

"Don't have to. I can tell by your voice." Isak looked right at him. Looking straight into his eyes, this time not shying away. And there it is again. The electric pull that drew Even to him in the first place. If he thought his heart was beating fast before, it was more so now than ever.

 

"I hope so." Even whispered, for the first time he being the shy one and breaking the eye contact.

 

"We should probably really start doing work" Isak finally stated. Fuck Even forgot that was even what they were supposed to be doing, too caught up in enjoying Isak's company.

 

"Yeah probably."

-

 

"Fuck what time is it?" Isak groans.

 

"Shit, it's 21:45." Even grimaced feeling a little guilty for keeping him long.

 

"Fuck seriously? I have to go. I have a biology assignment. Sana is going to kill me." He sighed.

 

"I'm sorry." Even apologized. Isak waves him off.

 

"Nah, it's cool. I had fun. Well before the math part. You are really bad at math." Isak looked at him pointedly.

 

"Please, don't hold back." Even said flatly.

"I'm sorry Even," Isak laughed, "but don't worry you're working with a master!"

 

"Are you sure you have to go?" Even asked softly stepping closer to Isak, definitely crossing the line of personal space. The laughter died down on Isak's face, as he see's him gulp. "You could stay the night you know."

 

Even doesn't know where his confidence comes from, because inside he's freaking out. But fake it 'til you make it, right?

 

"Wow. Um. Yeah that's a bad idea." Isak laughed nervously.

 

"Why?" Even stepped closer, faces nearly inches apart.

 

"Do you ask every boy you barely know to stay over?" Isak quirked.

 

"Only the cute ones." He smirked. Isak scoffed.

 

"Bye Even." He laughed.

 

 

After Isak had left, Even lay on his bed staring at the ceiling.

 

"What's happening to me?" He asked himself outloud.


	6. ch.6

 

**From Even:**

You look hot today

 

Isak's eyes shot up, scanning the cafeteria. He narrowed his when didn't see Even anywhere.

 

**From Even:**

That was cute :p

 

Bewildered, Isak looked around again be still couldn't find him.

**To Even:**

Stalker.

 

**From Even:**

<3

 

Isak shook his head. Ever since last Wednesday there has been a sort of flirtation between him and Even. A game, that Even started, began with Even sending Isak messages about his appearance or something the was doing, and Isak would try to figure out where the fuck he was. However, apparently Even is part of some secret society of spies because Isak never can find him.

 

**From Even:**

Red looks good on you

 

Isak stood up abruptly, getting a little pissed off. He tried finding Even again with this better vantage point. No luck.

**From Even:**

HAHAHAHA

 

"What are you doing?" Jonas' voice asks from behind him. Isak turns around to face him.

 

"Even is stalking me." He says angrily. "And I can never fucking find him!"

 

**From Even:**

Tell Jonas I say hi

 

Isak throws his phone down on the table.

 

"Even says 'hi'." He tells Jonas sarcastically.

 

"You've always been a sore lower!" Jonas laughs at him.

 

"What the hell! You're supposed to be on my side!" Isak yelled.

 

"Why's he supposed to be on your side?" Magnus asks, approaching the boys with Mahdi at his side.

 

"I am. Isak and Even are playing some weird game with each other and calling it " flirting'". Jonas tells them.

 

"We're not flirting! He's my nemesis!" Isak exclaims.

 

"Riiight a nemesis whose pants you want to get in." Jonas rolled his eyes and Magnus and Mahdi started laughing. Isak's mouth dropped.

 

"I'm getting new friends."

 

 

 

**From Stalker:**

I missed you while I was in class

 

**To Stalker:**

I changed your name in my phone

 

**From Stalker:**

Yeah? Let me guess <3 man of my dreams the moon to my stars light of my life <3

 

 **To Stalker** :

I'll send you a screenshot

 

**From Stalker:**

Stalker? Hmm I prefer distanced admirer

 

**To Stalker:**

Somehow that sounds creepier

**From Stalker:**

;)

Have fun in biology

 

"Fuck!" Isak yells whipping his head around. How is he so goddamn elusive??

 

Isak didn't hear from Even again until his last class.

 

**To Stalker:**

I'm going to see you eventually

 

"I doubt it." Even's low voice breathed against his neck. He jumped.

 

"What the hell, Even!" He shoved the tall boy's chest. Even laughed his face lighting up.

 

"You're too easy Isak!" He smiled.

 

"I can't stand you."

 

"You love me."

 

"Absolutely not."

 

"What are you doing after school?"

 

"Hanging out with cooler people than you."

 

"So your laptop and your right hand?" He raised his eyebrows.

 

Isak blushed a deep red.

 

"Why do you always raise your eyebrows like that?"

 

"Why? Does it get you going?" He responds suggestively.

 

"It looks dumb." He states flatly.

 

"You love it."

 

"No." Isak rolls his eyes.

 

"Yes." Even insists.

 

"No!" He insists back although while trying to hold back a smile.

 

"Yes!" Even laughs stepping closer to Isak. Isak stopped breathing for a moment. Feeling nervous under Even's stare.

 

"Well I guess I should go, since you have such important plans." Even says stepping back. "By the way you look even hotter up close."

 

"You look dumber up close." Isak responds.

 

"You love it!" Even laughs over his shoulder.

 

"No I don't!" Isak shouts after him. He could still hear him laughing as he walked away.

 

 

**From Stalker:**

If I were an animal what do you think I'd be?

 

**To Stalker:**

Even, it's 22:50

 

**From Stalker:**

So?

 

**To Stalker:**

A giraffe.

 

**From Stalker:**

That's not very creative

 

**To Stalker:**

It's not cuz of your height

It's because you have a long neck

 

**From Stalker:**

Woooow

You want to know what I think you'd be?

 

**To Stalker:**

No.

 

**From Stalker:**

Kit fox

 

**To Stalker:**

What???

Why??

 

**From Stalker:**

 

 This looks like you

 

**To Stalker:**

Delete my number

 

**From Stalker:**

Typical kit fox behavior

 

**To Stalker:**

Blocked

 

**From Stalker:**

See you tomorrow <3

Though you probably won't see me ;p

 

 


	7. ch.7

 

"Hey!" Even announced to the group of four boys, sliding his arm over Isak's shoulder.

 

"Hi, Even." Isak feigned irritation and unceremoniously removed his arm from around him.

 

"'Sup boys?" He dismissed the action and turns his attention to the other three boys.

 

"Not too much." Jonas nodded politely toward him.

 

"Hey Even, we haven't met yet, I'm Mahdi." A dark skinned boy addressed him offering an extended hand.

 

"Hello Mahdi, sorry Isak hasn't introduced us properly. Apparently he is ashamed of us." He sighed dramatically, once again draping is arm around Isak's shoulder. Isak produced his signature eye roll, a characteristic Even has grown quite fond of, and removed his arm once again.

 

"We're not together, Even." He rolled his eyes. Again.

 

"I beg to differ, we're together right here, right now." Even informed the shorter boy, greeted by another classic eye roll.

 

"You know what I meant." He retorted

 

"It was ambiguous." Even argued.

 

"Not contextually." Isak shot back.

 

"You're testy today, my cute little fox." Even smiled and poked Isak on the nose.

 

"Fuck off Even! I don't look like that stupid fox!" Isak complained.

 

"You're making the face right now!" He laughed boisterously.

 

"I am not!" Isak shouted back and shoved him playfully. Even stepped into him and looked down at him fondly.

 

"You're beautiful." He whispered. That's the exact moment Even can see Isak remember that, not only are they at school, but they are two feet away from his friends.

 

"You're so dumb." He laughed nervously, trying to brush off the situation. Even obliged him and stepped out of his personal space. Isak coughed awkwardly and darted his eye to his friends. They looked upon them with wide eyes and amusement evident.

 

"Well boys, it seems I've overstayed my welcome." He declares. "So I'll be off, leave you to it!"

 

Smiling politely he descended down the staircase.

If Even was being completely honest, Isak was confusing him. He seemed interested, but at the last minute he always withdrew. Even knew he could come on a little strong, and in front of his friends may not be the best time, but it carried on in private as well. As soon as Even switched from playful to serious, Isak would retreat. It was frustrating. Hadn't he made it obvious that he was interest in him? That the ball was now in Isak's court? Decisively, Even pulled his phone out of his pocket.

 

To Isak:

I meant what I said

You are beautiful.

 

After a few minutes of no reply, Even shoved the phone back into his pocket. He began to ponder whether Isak was even aware of how attractive he is. Not just physically, though Even wasn't complaining, but just overall. He's smart and way more patient than a lot of probably grant him. Given Isak's tendency toward insults, he was pleasantly surprised by the softness he showed in their tutoring sessions, never getting upset when he didn't understand a concept over and over again. He'd just repeat and show him again until he understood. He's funny, he's charming, he is super cute when he gets shy and blushes. Lost within his thoughts, Even wasn't particularly paying attention to where he was going and ending up walking straight into a short blonde girl.

 

"Ow!" She squeaked. "Don't you watch where you're walking!"

 

"Ah, sorry..." He apologized, rubbing the back of his neck. However, when she looked up at him her anger faded and instead her face lit up.

 

"You are Even from 3rd year, yes?" Her squeaky voice asked with excitement.

 

"Yeah, though generally I just go by Even.." He replied.

 

"I'm Vilde! You know Isak, right?" She continued.

 

"Sure." He shrugged.

 

"Can you ask him if he can host my kosegruppa party? He actually owes me one since he almost had it shut down!" She said severely.

 

"Why don't you just ask him?" He asks a bit disinterested.

 

"Because I'm not talking to him!" She answered haughtily. "But if he hosts, I will consider forgiving him."

 

"Uh, I don't know..." He hesitated. Isak didn't really seem like the type to be interested in revue groups. "I mean he's just my tutor so it might be awkward..."

 

Vilda cocked her head to the side.

"But I see you following him all the time," she said in confusion. He felt a blush spreading across his face. "I don't really want to ask him, but no one else is able to host... I was going to have Eva ask him...but it might be more convincing coming from you, since he's gay."

 

Even pursed his lips but let that comment slide.

 

"You can come too, since you would be doing me a favor." She continued, trying to further persuade him.

 

He did ponder the idea for a moment. If Isak hosts the party would be at his place, and then he'd have an excuse to go there.

 

"Yeah, okay, I'll ask him." He shrugged casually.

 

"Great!" The energetic girl perked up. "It needs to be on Friday at 20:00, so give me confirmation ASAP, once you get it. She turned to walk away, but stopped midway.

 

" oh...and Magnus and the rest can come too," she added quickly. He raised an eyebrow at her causing the blonde girl to blush.

 

"Sure, I'll let them know." He grinned. She returned a smile.

 

"Awesome! Bye Even!" She chirpped and took off down the hall.

 

 

 

Even waited until he was home to text Isak and ask him about the party

 

**To Isak:**

I ran into Vilda today? She wanted me to

ask you to host her kosegruppa party

 

**From Isak:**

Uh no? Why would I do that?

 

**To Isak:**

She said that you owed her

Something about almost having her group

dismissed

 

**From Isak:**

Fuck

Yeah

But why isn't she asking me

 

**To Isak:**

She's still mad at you haha

 

**From Isak:**

Of course she is

 

**To Isak:**

I think you should

She invited me and a party sounds fun

 

**From Isak:**

I  have to talk to my flatmates but it's

probably fine

 

**To Isak:**

Awesome ;)

 

**From Isak:**

So do I  tell you? I finally got a picture of

you stalking me at school

 

**To Isak :**

What?? No way!

 

**From Isak:**

 

 

**To Isak:**

HA HA


	8. Ch.8

 

“Isak!” Vilde exclaimed bursting through the flat's door as soon as he opens it.

“Vilde…” he replied hesitantly whilst narrowing his eyes.

“I’m so glad Even convinced you to have the party here!” She jumped. Or maybe not, but her energetic personality always reminded him of like a rabbit so it just makes him think of jumping.

“Well I owe you one. So, bygones be bygones?” he raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“We’ll see.” she stated.

“What?? Vilde, you know it cannot be my fault if the party turns out bad!” he exclaimd.

“Of course, it would be!” she pointed her finger at him, “you are the host! Everyone knows that it is the host's duty to make sure the party is good! So, if the party is bad, then it is your fault.”

This prompted Isak to roll his eyes. Vilde means well, even if she is annoying. Not long after Vilde rushed into the flat to make sure everything was ”cool” enough, whatever that means”,Sana approached him, looking appropriately stoic.

“Vilde is impossible.” He complained.

“Stop complaining Valtersen, you have a party to host.” she smirked. He throws his head back and groaned. Normally he greatly enjoyed parties, but turns out, it’s considerably different when you are the one hosting it. Eskild, Noora, and Linn only agreed to let him have it here if he promised to clean up afterward. Alone. And to prepare everything himself. Secretly, he thinks Eskild wanted the party, he just doesn't want to help. And he calls Isak lazy.

It wasn’t long before the flat filled up with people. At some point, Isak had simply given up trying to keep things in order and stop people from making messes.

 

_'Oh well, I’ll deal with it later.” he resigned to himself'_

“Hey,” Jonas said, nudging Isak on the elbow. Currently, he was leaning against the wall surveying the zoo in his living room. He lifted his chin toward Jonas as a hello.

“Is Even coming?” Jonas asked him casually.

“He said he was.” Isak shrugged haphazardly.

“Sooo,” Jonas continued. “Is there something going on between you?”

“No? I don’t know? Maybe.” Isak sighed.

“Yeah? Why not?” Jonas prodded further, “He seems pretty interested to me.”

“I know...I think that too, sometimes, but he, shit man I don’t know.” He admitted to Jonas.

“I think you should just go for it.” He says assuredly, “I mean you obviously like him.”

“Jesus!” Isak blushes and mutters under his breath, causing Jonas to punch him lightly on the shoulder.

“Dude, we all want to meet someone eventually, lighten up. It’s no big deal really.”

“Yeah, I know…. I don’t know why it still seems so awkward to me.” The blond boy ended up admitting.

“Well, dude, you’ve been out of the closet for a year. You’ve spent a lot more time concealing it and feeling ashamed than being open and comfortable, so it’ll take time, but you’ll come around.” Jonas told him, words of wisdom spilling so easily out of his mouth, igniting the nostalgia of why Isak had a crush on him last year.

“Hey, I’m going to go grab another beer…” Jonas trailsed off. Following his eyes, Isak lands on a pretty brunette girl brazenly eyeing Jonas, “you want..anything?”

Isak laughed.

“No, go get laid. It’s about time anyway.” He shooed the other boy away.

“Cool cool, see you later man.” Jonas answered on autopilot, clearly not hearing what Isak had said.

Rolling his eyes, Isak scanned the area in front of him again, this time his eyes spot a tall, lanky blonde boy. His heart leapt in his chest a bit. Then he saw his hands attached to the slender hand of an, objectively, beautiful girl. The pool of excitement that had started, dissipated instantly. Who is she? Seeing Even gaze around the room, Isak quickly ducked away to evade his line of sight. His heart pounded, and he felt confused. Is this the sort of thing Even did? Flirt with stupid, little gay boys? Was he stupid for falling for it?

He watched Even continue to look around, figuring that he was probably searching for Isak, another puzzling occurrence.

“What are you doing Isak?”

Isak jumped back, slamming his hand into the counter.

“Fuck!” He shook his hand. Sana stared straight through him, looking as if she could see every secret he’d ever buried. “I’m not doing anything.”

“Right.” She commented, raising an eyebrow.

“Why aren’t you drinking?” he asked her instead. She returned to him an are-you-serious look.

“Muslim, remember.” she gestures toward her hijab. Isak actually felt bad. Duh. He knew that, and now he just sounded callous.

“Right. Sorry.” he apologized awkwardly.

“Are you avoiding Even?” she asks him point blank, causing him to choke on his beer.

“How do you know who Even is?” he blunders.

“I’ve talked to him, he’s very interested in the Koran.” she answered briskly and returned to her original inquiry, “so are you?”

“I -I, No! I just have other people to talk to.” he answered lamely. Apparent on her face, Sana didn’t buy any of that.

“Okay, Isak.” She looked at him like he was dense.

“I just, he has a girlfriend.” He mumbled to her disdainfully, not really knowing why he was opening up to her.

“Are you sure?” she seemed less certain.

“Yeah. I saw them walk in together.” Isak diverted his eyes to look at the wall that had suddenly became wildly fascinating.

“Hmm”, she pursed her lips, “he never mentioned st—, uh, having a girlfriend.

“Oh did you spend a lot of time talking about your personal lives?” he asked sarcastically. Immediately, he felt bad about it, he knows he is being rude for absolutely no reason.

“Fine, Isak if you want to sit here and sulk, go for it, but stop being immature and taking your emotions out on your friends.” She answered him curtly, “and by the way, he didn’t mention having a girlfriend but he did mention you all the time. It was quite annoying, but clearly he was moonstruck, for what reason I have no idea.”

He watched gobsmacked, as she strolled away toward the kitchen.

Then, a ping made him jump in surprise. He fumbled to retrieve his phone from his pocket

From Stalker:

Hey Isak, are you here?

He gulps and hovered over the keyboard before hastily shoving it back in his pocket. Sana was probably right, but if anything, Isak was just as stubborn as she. Ultimately Isak decided to just get away from everyone. Darting behind people Isak managed to make it to his bedroom, which of course, there is a couple is going at it hard and heavy on his bed, fortunately they were still completely clothed.

“Hey. HEY!” he yelled waving his hand at their faces.

They both gave him an irritated stare.

“You need to leave.” He told them.

The couple looked at him in irritation, entering into a stare down with him, presumably hoping he would just leave.

“Listen, this is my party and this is my bedroom, so please just get the fuck out.” He closed his eyes in exasperation.

The couple grumbled but untangled themselves and left. Drained, he fell back against the solid support of the door.

his heart is beating. It’s not like he and Even had a thing. He didn’t have any right to be angry at that girl, yet he was. He wanted to be the one to walk into a room holding his hand. He knows, indisputably, that he isn’t anywhere near as beautiful as that girl. She and Even looked like they matched perfectly. Perfect hair. Perfect skin. Perfect lips. Perfect bodies. He didn’t even know if Even was into guys, but even so, why would he go for someone so plain like himself. Suddenly his body shook as someone tried to open the door.

“Go away!” he shouted back angrily.

“Isak?”

He groaned internally, recognizing that low voice. He waited quietly, perhaps he would leave.

“Isak, I know it’s you. I would recognize that grumpy voice anywhere.” Even laughed lightheartedly. Somehow making Isak fill up with more anger. He stood up abruptly and yanked open the door.

“What, Even?” he asked harshly. The smile dropped, lightning fast from Even’s face.

“Are you okay, Isak?” voice laced with genuine concern.

“Yeah. Just peachy.” He replied sarcastically. “So, is there any reason you are trying to barge into my bedroom?”

Even narrowed his eyes and Isak could see his jaw tense up, clearly growing impatient with Isak’s unanticipated bitchiness. Isak knew he was being irrational, he knew that his bad habits are bubbling to the surface. The ones where he says things he doesn’t mean, in ways he doesn’t intend, for no other purpose than to hurt the other person.

“Did I do something Isak?” He asked emphatically.

And like word vomit Isak can’t stop himself.

“No of course not Even. Not you, who is perfect, who can do whatever they want, whenever they want and people will treat them like some sort of god. Some people can see through that stupid façade.” He glared at the taller boy. “You think you can just walk into anyone’s lives and do whatever the hell you want and they will just fall to your charm. You’re not that special Even.”

Even’s face remained stony and silent.

“You know Isak, you talk a lot of shit, but you don’t really know shit, do you?” His voice was icy. He turned and disappeared back into the crowd of sweaty bodies. Isak felt a lump rising in his throat and tears starting to form, but he pushed it down and let the anger take over

 

Resolved to indulge his anger, Isak stormed out of his own room and back to the festivities.

 

Angrily, he rummaged through the kitchen searching for beer, upon finding a can he took a large swig. Frustratingly, the alcohol wasn’t permitting him the usual effects, so bitterly he pushed it aside. And of course, of fucking course, Jonas just happens to walk into the kitchen. Dangling of his side, the brunette girl is smiling and laughing.

“Hey Isak!” Jonas proclaimed, clearly having had quite a few more drinks. In his current mood, he could hardly stand talking to a sober person, let alone, a drunk.

“What is it Jonas?” He barely managed to subdue the bite in his voice.

“This is Maria, isn’t she beautiful?” He laughed, god did he have to drink so much, fucking Christ.

“Sure.” Isak deadpaned.

“Come on man, she’s fucking sexy right? Juss’cuz yer gay doessn’t mean you don’t know a hot chick!” It’s only on rare occasions that Jonas becomes this way when he’s drunk, so of all the nights it has to be the one when Isak wanted to explode.

“Jesus Christ Jonas, you’re being pathetic.” He narrowed his eyes, his poison tongue surpassing his rationale that told him stop hurting people you care about. “I can’t help you fucked up you and Eva’s relationship and you never got over it, but this is really below you.”

In a way, Isak wished Jonas had insulted him back, but he just stared.

“You need to figure your own shit out before you go and try to tell other people what they’ve done wrong in their lives. I’ve given you all the time and patience, stop being a pussy. Come find me when you’ve calmed down.” Jonas answered him calmly, sounding suddenly more sober than before.

Of course, Isak still was upset, but being the shit friend he is just shoved past him, moving into the living area. However, if he could he would give anything to be back in the kitchen, as now he looking straight at Even who has his lips locked with the blonde girl he had come with. The music disappeared as his pulse deafened him, all the anger sank to his gut, turning from acrimony dissolved into despair. Standing there wide-eyed for who knows how long, like clockwork Even’s closed eyes open and meet Isak’s. He can’t contain himself, tears he probably knew had been there all along swelled up in his eyes. Distress seeped into Even’s eyes as he scoured Isak’s body language, and Isak watched as he pulled away from his girl, intent becoming apparent. Isak didn’t wait for him. He turned and he rushed out of this apartment.

 

 

Isak pushed through the crowds finally making it through the front door. With no plans of where to go he just starts walking as fast as he can to the left. Before long broken sobs break out from his throat. He could’t hold anything back. Suddenly, a hand gripped his shoulder, causing him to whip around.

“Isak, what’s going on?” Even stared at him intently.

“Just go away, Even! Go back to your girlfriend!” He yelled trying to pull away from the older boy’s grip.

“Girlfriend? Sonja isn’t my girlfriend Isak. Is that why you’re so mad at me?” Even asked.

“No, I’m mad because you led me on! Flirting with me, making me think you liked me! Was it some kind of joke to you?” He sobbed even harder.

“Isak! Fucking hell Isak look at me!” Even demanded.

Isak forced himself to look at the boy. Even wrapped his hands firmly on his neck.

“I. Was. Never. Messing. With. You.” He punctuated each word. “Isak I can’t stop thinking about you. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since the day we met. I want you so bad.”

“Then why were you with her!?” he cries again, pulling away once more.

“I thought you didn’t want me Isak! Every time I got serious with you, you would push me away! Then in your room I just figured that you were tired of my flirting or something.” He grimaced. “Listen, Sonja…Sonja and I dated before, but we aren’t together now. We hook up sometimes, if we’re both single but I don’t want her and she doesn’t want me. Isak you don’t know what you do to me. What you, what you said back there it cut like a knife, and I don’t kno-know!”

Isak doesn’t say anything, mostly trying to figure out what’s happening.

“Isak…please talk to me. I like you. I want to be with you, but if that’s not what you want, I’ll leave.” He stared into Isak’s eyes.

“I want you too.” Isak answered barely above a whisper.

“Okay.” Even’s face softened, followed shortly after by a smile. Even looked down and then to the side.

“Hey, do you want to get out of here?”

Isak’s forehead creased.

“Where would we go?” He questioned.

“Anywhere.” He shrugged with a half-smile, and offers Isak his hand. “So, are you up for it?”

Isak grabbed his hand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will upload the rest when I get time  
> peace :)


	9. Ch. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be uploaded over the weekend but I didn't like what I wrote originally so I rewrote everything  
> so this is a completely new chapter than previously
> 
> not really edited other than a quick run through spell check

 

Isak and he walked in silence under the light Norwegian sky. The world was quieter outside the rambunctious party. For a while they stayed in silence. Hands still linked together and swinging lightly between them. He truly hadn’t anything planned when he decided to whisk Isak away. The silence between them isn’t uncomfortable necessarily but Even definitely feels full of nerves. He wants Isak but he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do anymore.

 

“So” they both started at the same time. This elicited a small laugh from both of the boys. Even gave him a little nudge to tell Isak to go ahead. Isak cleared his throat.

 

“So, uh, so where do you want to go?” he asked unsurely.

 

“Do...do you just want to walk around for a bit?” Even suggested. Again there was really no plan when they left, but now out in the fresh air it seems nice to just walk contentedly. Oslo is nice. It’s a large city with lots of people but it’s not busy like other cities like the time Even visited New York City or London. They were both great places and fun, with many interesting things, though Times Square wasn’t quite as impressive as TV makes it seem. But here, in Oslo, the city is quiet in comparison. Ideal for taking a walk.

 

“Yeah, yeah that sounds chill.” Isak breathed. The air still wasn’t uneasy between Isak and him, but there was a weight also still in the air. Even goes to speak.

 

“I’m sorry—” They both start again and end up laughing. He nudges Isak’s arm, nonverbally encouraging him to go ahead. He doesn’t even know what he wants to say so might as well hear what Isak is thinking about.

 

“Um, I just,” Isak clears his throat, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. For how was acting back there. It was...dumb.”

 

He looks embarrassed but even more so, he seems disappointed. Which makes no sense to Even. Even is the stupid one. Leading Isak on and then just kissing someone else. Of course he was upset at the party.

 

“No, um, it’s okay. I was stupid too, that’s what I wanted to say. I never meant to push you too hard and I feel like a dick.” Even pursed his lips. Isak furrowed his brow.

 

“Not that...but why did you kiss her though? If you knew you liked me.”

 

Even tried to search his brain for an answer that may have made actual sense, but there wasn’t any other than impulsivity and fear.

 

“I don’t know...I thought weren’t interested in me. I thought I was being obvious that I liked you so maybe you didn’t like me back.” Sort of a lame excuse and it didn’t really excuse anything.

 

“Okay, but that doesn’t really explain why you kissed her, Even.” Isak responded as if he had read Even’s mind. “I thought I was pretty obvious too.”

 

“I—, okay it was a shitty move. I..it’s just...I get anxious too…” He mumbled feeling his face heat up. At least it was finally getting dark out.

 

“‘Heyy Isak, competitive flirting aside, I do actually like you. Do you want to go out with me sometime for real?’” Isak raised his eyebrow, half serious half joking.

 

Even rolled his eyes playfully.

“Okay but you could’ve asked me out too, you know.” He bumped his shoulder into Isak’s. Isak sighed.

 

“I didn’t know if you were really serious or just teasing.” the shorter boy sighed again.

 

“It was both.”

 

“Yeah, hah,” Isak smiled softly then continued, “it’s just, I’m new to the ‘gay thing’. Not liking guys, but, I’ve never been with one and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do.”

 

“Yeah, I get that.” Even nodded thinking back to what happened with Mikael, “I’ve liked guys before, but I’ve only acted once before and...well it didn’t end well.”

 

“I do...like you, but outside of one conversation… we don’t really know much about each other. Although, the first day I met you, I probably would’ve sucked your dick.” Isak shrugged nonchalantly.

 

Even barked out a laugh. “Damn to go back in time!”

 

“Shut up!” Isak bumped his shoulder into Even’s.

 

“No, no you’re right.” Even continued, “Let’s get to know each other, then we can suck eachothers dicks.”

 

Isak rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe we’re two teenage boys turning down blowjobs.”

 

“I mean, I’m still up for it.” Even shrugged, “But it doesn’t matter to me either way. Doing stuff now or doing stuff next year. I like you so I’d do anything you want.”

 

“Okay, now you definitely just want me to suck your dick.” the smaller boy smirked. The two boys continued back a silence taking over again before Even stopped cold in his tracks, an idea having come to him.

 

“Do you wanna swing?” he turned to Isak.

 

“Swing?” Isak raised his brow.

 

“Yeah, I’ven’t in ages. You in?” he grinned at the other boy.

 

“Uh, yeah, I guess…”

 

“Awesome!” Even pulled Isak’s hand that was still attached to Even’s, as he took off shifting into a light jog.

* * *

 

 

“Even I don’t think we’re supposed to be here after dark.”

 

“We’ll be fine! No one’s here!”

 

“Yeah, because no one is supposed to be!”

 

“Eh, to each their own.”

 

“That doesn’t make sense in this context at all Even.”

 

“Apples and oranges”

 

“Stop misusing idioms, idiot!”

 

“It takes two to tango”

 

“I change my mind, I don’t want to get to know you.”

 

“That hurts Isak, no need to cry a river of spilt milk.”

 

“Bye, Even.”

 

“No, wait come back! I’ll put a sock in it I swear!”

 

“Now even correct idioms are bothering me.”

 

“Well to be fair, Isak, everything bothers you a little bit.”

 

“Fuck you!”

 

“We’re still getting to know each other though”

 

“Even!”

* * *

 

 

“I broke my arm on a swing when I was 9, I swung as high as I could and then jumped.”

 

“I did that all the time as a kid”

 

“Who didn’t? But that time I didn’t get so lucky. It broke in 2 places, they had to put a rod in my arm so it would grow correctly.”

 

* * *

 

 

“The first time I ever met Jonas was on a swing”

 

“Was it love at first sight?”

 

“It might have been. At least the 7 year old’s version of love at first sight. Wait I banned idioms!”

 

“Ah lighten up, let yourself off the hook.”

 

“Even I swear to god.”

 

* * *

 

“Do you want to play 20 questions?” Even turned to Isak.

 

“Hm?” Isak squinted at Even, “Like I ask you yes or no questions and try to guess what you’re thinking of?”

 

“Nah, it’s more of a getting to know you game. We basically just ask each other questions back and forth under the guise of “a game.”

 

“Okay, yeah I guess.” Isak agreed, “But I swear, if you ask me my favorite color.”

 

Even smiled brightly. He hadn’t planned on that, definitely cliche, but Even never thought all cliches were the worst. He does want to know Isak’s favorite color. He would like it to be a purple. He had learned a while back when he was looking for a gift for his mother, that purples bring out green eyes. He would love to see those green eyes emphasized.

 

“No, okay what’s your favorite movie?” He asked instead. Isak snorted.

 

“My favorite movie? Of course that would be your first question.”

 

“Obviously. I have find out if this is all worth it.”

 

“Wow, shallow much?” Isak laughed. “I don’t know I used to watch Alien a lot.”

 

“Oh! Alien is a good one! Whew you’re not a complete lost cause.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Okay it’s your turn now to ask me a question.”

 

“What’s your favorite movie?”

 

“Seriously? Is that how we’re going to play? I ask you a question and you ask the same back?” Even laughed.

 

“I don’t know! When you asked me I just immediately wanted to know what your answer would be!”

 

“Okay, okay I don’t really have a favorite film. There’s just too many, but I would say Moulin Rouge is a go-to for me.”

 

“That movie is sad though.”

 

“You think so? I don’t think it was sad.”

 

“She dies though.”

 

“People die Isak, it doesn’t have to be sad. It was an epic romance.”

 

“It’s a movie Even, people can live. It’s not real life.”

 

“Do you not like realism?”

 

“What about that movie was realistic to you?”

 

“Let’s move on.” Even laughed. “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

 

“That’s boring.” Isak rolled his eyes but Even didn’t comment. “I don’t know...have a degree, I don’t know what I want yet, and a job. I don’t know how some people can just see their futures so clearly when they’re still in highschool.”

 

“No I get that. There’s too much pressure on kids in general over the world to know what they want to do with the rest of their lives at young ages.”

 

“What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done?”

 

“I once fist bumped a deaf guy because I didn’t know he was using sign language. I don’t even know what he was trying to say because I got so embarrassed I just left.”

 

“No shit really?”

 

“Yeah, what about you?”

 

“So now you are just going to ask me the same questions I ask you?”

 

“If they’re embarrassing ones then yes, go on!”

 

“Fine...I once cried listening to classical music”

 

“That’s not so bad”

 

“No hold on, after the song was over a speaker came on and said ‘And that was the intro to A Bug’s Life’”

 

“Ha! But that’s cute though.”

 

“I’m 17, Even, I’m not going for cute.”

 

“Oh Wow, sorry Mr. Valtersen rugged man of The wild. Excuse me.”

 

“Shut up”

 

* * *

 

 

“It’s kind of chilly out now, do you want to head back?” Even looked over at the other boy. He was shivering a bit he could tell. He did of course leave without any jacket. Even, Even had a sweatshirt on.

 

“I don’t really want to go back there.” Isak whispered. “I need to. I was a dick and I acted like one and my friends will be pissed at me, and I deserve it.”

 

“Come back to mine.”

 

Isak shot his head up and raised one brow. It made Even flush a little at the implication he now realized that had sounded like.

 

“You’re friends might be pissed but they’re your friends. You can talk to them tomorrow.” Even continued on. “Don’t stress anymore tonight. We can go back to mine. I’ll make us my famous cheese toastie —don’t you say anything— and we can just chill. And tomorrow, come what may.”

 

Isak seemed to ponder it for all of 0.5 seconds.

 

“Okay.” He smiled.

 

“Alright then.”


	10. Ch.10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// for this chapter  
> there is talk about a suicide attempt and self-deprecating language  
> possibly child abuse
> 
> this is all from personal experience so disclaimer that I don't speak for everyone, but I only have my own experience to use
> 
>  
> 
> *also this is barely edited, i'm so bad at that stuff and I get lazy

 

“The good news is that I didn’t leave the cheese out again,”

 

“I can’t believe I let you feed me that,”

 

“Psh you loved it!” Even gave one of his huge toothy smiles. 

 

“I did always have a predilection for food poisoning.” Isak rolled his eyes.

 

“Wow, I did not poison you.” Even mocked outrage, “Is ketchup fine?”

 

Isak nodded his head.

 

“So you want to hang out in my room? We can watch a movie or something? De-stress.” Even suggested.

 

“Yeah that sounds good.”

 

They were about halfway through the movie when he decided to just say it. He could tell Isak wasn’t particularly invested in the movie and he’s seen it many times.

 

“So, uhm,” He cleared his throat, “Why do you live in kollektivet? If you don’t mind me asking?”

 

Isak was quiet for a moment.

 

“No it’s okay..It was bad at home and I couldn’t stay there anymore.” Isak answered.

 

“Oh...bad how?”

 

“Uh,” Isak coughed, “My mom, she is sick.  But that’s not the only reason.”

Even felt his stomach drop. If ‘sick’ meant what he thought it did…

 

“It was mostly because of my dad. He decided he couldn’t handle it anymore so he left. He left her and he left me. I was 16 so I just freaked out. I guess.” Isak sighed.

 

“Yeah but you were 16…”

 

He doesn’t know where it came from but words just came tumbling out of Even’s mouth.

 

“I tried to kill myself once.” Even blurted out.

“Why?” Isak responded. He could tell he was trying to keep his voice calm but there was a shakiness to it.

“I —I don’t know.” Even sighed.  “I was just depressed.”

He knows full well that that is hardly an answer, yet he feels like he hardly has an answer. 

 

“There was nothing that triggered it?” Isak continued in the same shaky calm voice. Even pondered for a moment trying to draw up any significant reasons why other than depression after a hypomanic episode, something that has been futile time and time again to his own frustration.

“I don’t really know, it’s possible but I don’t know what. I was fine and then suddenly I wasn’t. I really can’t think of any specific thing that made me feel so bad, just that it was awful. I...I am bipolar and I was coming down, or crashed from a hypomanic episode. But I don’t know what specifically made me want to kill myself, I don’t feel that way everytime I’m depressed, or that severely at least.” It was the truth even if it hardly made sense. Yet Isak didn’t really comment on it.

“What is bipolar?” Isak asked. “I know it’s like mood swings.”

 

“Well that’s basically the jist of it. Sometimes I feel really good and I don’t sleep much and I’m in a good mood. That’s hypomania. Hypomania is not so bad,I Actually like it a lot. I’m really motivated and have lots of energy. It’s generally not dangerous. Mania is more extreme. I do irrational things and I don’t think about the consequences. Spending money, coming up with unrealistic ideas, drugs, sex. It can be really dangerous. Depression is the same as normal depression symptom wise. Episode lengths vary but usually my hypomania or mania, before I started taking medicine, would lasts for a few weeks or until I was intervened. The depression lasts for weeks or months. I experience the depression more often.”

 

“But the medicine fixes it?”

 

“No...it helps but no it doesn’t fix it. It can’t be cured. But the episodes I do have are less intense now, and staying on a schedule and staying out of stress helps a lot.

 

“Do you regret it, the suicide attempt?” Isak peaked up at him to confirm the conversation was still okay, and settled when he obtained it. Even frowned however, this was the question he hated the most. Another question he didn’t have a solid answer for.

“I don’t know?” he answered but with the lilt of a question rather than a statement. He continued on, “That’s how I felt at the time. Like,I don't want to die right now andI happy living my life, but I genuinely did at the time and it's hard for me to say I regret it when it was truly howIfelt. I don't know maybe that’s fucked up. Maybe it's different for other people, but I didn't experience that sudden realization that life was worth living and I didn't actually want to die, to be honest,I Kind of felt regret that I didn't actually die. And now, today, it’s just kind of an event in my life in a way. A shitty one that I wouldn’t want to go through again but to be honest the depression hurt worse than the overdose.”

 

Even realizes now that the depressive episode came after a hypomanic episode. His bipolar disorder was diagnosed later after the antidepressants triggered a more severe mania. Maybe that’s why this particular episode hit him so hard. Other episodes weren’t a walk in the park, but at least most of the time his body slowly adjusted to the change in mood. This one was like a light switch; perfectly fine to absolutely horrid. It was his worst depressive episode to date. 

 

I: you overdosed?

E: yeah. I know some people do overdose because it’s easier to be saved from. But it’s not why I did it. I know what drug overdoses to the body. It’s an incredibly painful way to die. It makes you sick and starts shutting down organs. That’s why I chose it. I felt like I deserved the pain. If I was going to kill myself then I didn’t deserve something quick, I deserved an elongated painful end. Because I was a bad person.

 

He remembers the overdose. How at first he felt really lightheaded and completely fine. Then the nausea came, and the cramps, and the vomiting. There was so much pain. The inbetween is sort of a blur. He vaguely remembers Yousef running toward him. He’d sent him a vague text message, all the people he was close to actually, a sort of apology for existing and for what he was about to do. He wasn’t sure how Yousef figured it out though, he was vague enough. At the hospital they pumped his stomach but he was in bad shape. 

I: oh, uh i, what happened?

E: My friend or he was my friend I don’t know, found me. I was in the intensive care unit at the hospital for 3 days. But that’s the things. Even though the pain was awful, as your body literally starts shutting down, and then nurses having to poke you with needles every 2 hours, and almost feeling dead, it still wasn’t as bad as the depression I felt. It didn’t even come close.

 

“i used to get really bad panic attacks.” Isak said quietly.

“Yeah?” He raised his eyebrows. Isak licked his lips and nodded.

“i didn’t use to know they were panic attacks though, it wasn’t like how most people describe panic attacks. I mean somewhat, but I would always feel really disconnected with everything around me and even myself” He continued casting his eyes downward. “like,I Would get super super dizzy and I wouldn't be able to focus. It felt like everything was moving at superspeed while being completely frozen still at the same time. I felt like I was stuck between two different dimensions with no way to go out. It felt worse than dying. It felt like I was trapped in the state of dying without ever getting any release. My chest hurt and my eyes would start to hurt and then the asthma would come in. It’s probably one of the worst things i’ve felt, and terrifying. I felt like death would be better than being in a constant state of dying. Sometimes I would even throw up.”

“do you still get panic attacks?” Even asked gently. 

 

“i haven’t in a long time, but my anxiety can still be really bad. I have a hard time falling asleep because of it. It’s a rare night I fall asleep before 3.” Isak admitted with sadness engulfed in his voice. “it’s just, if I don't stay up, the stress and anxiety will consume me and I will panic and I won’t get any sleep after that point. So it’s just better to stay up until I’m tired enough to basically pass out.”

 

“I don’t mean to compare that to you though. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say like we went through the same.” Isaks eyes darted over him concerned. Even’s lip curled up slightly.

“Isak, it’s okay. You didn’t, and yours is real to, okay? We’re not in a competition. I know you weren’t trying to speak over me.” Even assured him, and he could see Isak’s shoulders drop in relief.

 

“Okay, sorry, that just came out and..yeah.” Isak chuckled. “I’ve never told anyone about them. I think Jonas knows though.

 

“Hah, yeah I know the feeling.” Even breathed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry about your anxiety though.”

“It’s okay. It’s a lot better than before.” Isak shrugged.

“Why is that, you think?” he asked the curly haired boy.

 

“ When I, when I used to live at home and my dad just left and I tried, I tried so hard to take care of her.But I needed my mom and she wasn't her anymore. I feel like such a shit son.”

 

“You know,” Even licked his lips, “sometimes...we have to make hard decisions...it’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“Doesn’t it though? She-she is really obsessed with god. She has bible verses written on the walls of the house. She gets really depressed and it always comes out as anger. I used to get scared because she would throw things against the wall. Never at me but it would still be scary. It could go on for hours. And...And she used to say things. About me and my dad sometimes, but not as much as me. Calling me worthless, and a bastard, piece of shit. Say I’m ungrateful and didn’t deserve anything. Worse things too. I know she didn’t mean it, because she always felt bad later but I-i can’t help but resent her even if I do still love her. Dad refused to get her help even after he left. I couldn’t tell anyone because I don’t know what the laws are. I didn’t want her to get in trouble or never be able to see her again if I want to. No one really knows. I think Jonas had an idea, because when we would have no food I would hang out with him longer because he always offered me food, and I also didn’t want to go home most nights. Especially if it was one of her bad nights.” Isak gritted out bitterly. 

E: isak...you need to understand that none of that is okay, even if she was sick. You can love your mother and know that wasn’t okay. You needed your mom. You weren’t only being her caretaker but her punching bag and you’re just a kid. It’s okay that you couldn’t stay there.

“I left her all alone Even! I’m the worst son in the world! I love her but I can’t fucking stop resenting her and I fucking hate myself for it. I’m the one that deserves to be sick! She would never leave me like I left her!” 

“No, you’re fucking not Isak! Listen your father left, and your mom couldn’t take care of you. At some point you HAD to take of yourself and THAT wasn’t fair. There is no way you could’ve known what to do.” He yelled back at Isak. “Fuck. I’m sorry I don't want you to be more upset.”

 

“I know Even, okay. I know. I know that I didn’t do anything wrong. But I can’t help how I feel. I can’t tell my brain to stop feeling a certain way. I can’t help but still be afraid because what if she doesn’t accept me? I get passages everyday sometimes 10 long of bible verses.” Isak looks like he is close to crying and Even feels like shit for bringing all this up.

“Do you still talk to her?”

 

“I can’t when all she does is send me bible verses.”

 

“Or maybe you’re pushing her away because if you push her away she can’t push you away.” 

 

“Maybe I don’t know.”

 

“Jeez, we haven’t even had a proper date and we’ve already brought out the tragic backstories.” Even chuckled, hoping to lighten the mood. He saw a small smile on Isak’s face, so at least there’s that.

 

“You’re right. So I guess we should probably go on a date.”

 

“True…” Even grinned, “But for now let’s finish the movie and then we can go to bed.”

 

 

* * *

 

“Um I can take the floor if you want,” Isak said once they decided to get some sleep. Even rolled his eyes.

 

“Isak, you don’t have to sleep on the floor. We can share or i’ll take the floor if you’re more comfortable with that.” He stated. 

 

“I don’t mind sharing.” Mumbled a blush rising a bit. “Two bros right? Two bros in a bed five feet apart because we’re not gay.”  

 

Even laughed.

 

“Except you are gay and I am pan, but yeah no funny business.” Even said faux sternly. Isak crinkled rolled his eyes. 

 

Still cute.

 

* * *

 

“Hey Isak?” Even whispered, even though he knew he was awake. Something about lying in the dark that makes talking at normal volume seem wrong.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’m sorry if I upset you earlier, I didn’t mean to be imposing like that.” Even whispered.

 

“It’s okay. You were a little strong but….it was nice, feeling like someone cares about me.” Isak answered quietly.

 

“I do care about you Isak. Lots of people do,I sure of it.”

 

“I know, sometimes it’s hard to remember that.”

 

“Yeah,I Know. Night, Isak.”

 

“Night Even.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know if there is anything that I should warn for that I haven't  
> I know this sort of stuff is really serious and sometimes what one person can handle another can't so if I missed anything please let me know
> 
> about the stuff I described of Isak's mom  
> that's based off of my real life and my actual mom, so it's a very sensitive issue for me  
> I relate so much to both Isak and Even and they are so important to me


	11. Ch.11

 

Isak awoke to warm sunshine streaming through white curtains, the only problem was the warm body that was supposed to be beside him wasn’t there. Grumbling Isak rolled over to get off the bed. He was amidst searching for his jeans when he decided what the hell he would just borrow some sweat pants from Even. What he deserves for leaving him all alone in a cold bed. Quickly, he rifled through Even’s closet.

 

_ ‘This is way too many jean jackets for one person’ _

 

It didn’t take long for him to find a comfy pair of grey sweat pants, while he was at it he figured he’s go an extra mile and borrowed a white t-shirt as well. Once dressed he figured he’s best find the human giraffe.

 

The task turned out to be fairly easy. 1. Because it wasn’t a huge flat and 2. Hard to miss the music and smell of bacon crisping up in the kitchen. 

 

Upon entering the kitchen Isak halted, there Even was bobbing his head and humming along to the most generic pop song in the world preparing breakfast, blissfully unaware of his audience. Even really started getting into his dancing and on a particularly dramatic flare he spun and that’s when he spotted Isak.

 

“Good morning!” the taller boy gave him a blinding smile. “Have you just been watching me like a creep?”

 

“Uh _excuse me_?? I see an uncoordinated, ridiculously long limbed guy dancing to a stupid pop song and I’m not supposed to watch? I really should have recorded it. Made for a good fail video.”

 

“That’s so mean, Isak. You’re so mean!” Even said but his laugh portrayed a different reaction. Isak rolled his eyes.

 

“Says the dude that left me alone in bed.” Isak replied pointedly.

 

“Dude? Seriously dude?” Even laughed again. “Please, Isak, will you be my dude? I’ll be the dude to your homosexuality, bro. Bromosexuals.”

 

“ _Oh my god_ , shut up why don’t you!” Isak groaned but it was far from actual irritation. 

 

“Aw c’mon we’re just a couple guys bein’ dudes. A couple of dudes bein' guys.” Even laughed once more, “But where did you think I’d go, Isak? I live here. I was trying to be _romantic_ and surprise you with breakfast in bed.”

 

“Sorry to rain on your parade.” Isak smiled.

 

“Ah! More idioms!” Even exclaimed. 

 

“Jesus, yeah I guess so.” Isak rolled his eyes. It’s literally impossible to not roll your eyes around Even.

 

“Do you know the secret to making perfect scrambled eggs? It’s creme fraiche, but I didn’t have that. Fortunately, sour cream works too! Tell me Isak how do you make your eggs?” Even continued onward.

 

“Oh, um I don’t really make eggs. I usually just have a bowl of cereal or toast or something.” Isak shrugged.

 

Even stopped dead in his tracks. He stared expressionlessly at Isak long enough for Isak to begin to think he might have actually offended him. Instead, Even marched over to Isak and held his face between his hands, staring at him intensely.

 

“Baby, when we get together, I am going to take care of you so good.” His voice was intense to match his eyes. It sent a shiver through Isak and also made him considerably flustered.

 

“Shut up.” He mumbled but couldn’t contain a quirk of his mouth. “Besides who said we are ever getting together?”

 

“A boy can dream, yeah?” Even smiled softly. And what the fuck? How does one go from absurdly intense to soft in 0.2 seconds. “Do you like this song?”

 

“Hm? Song?” he asked confused.

 

“Yeah, the song. On the radio?” Even raised his eyebrows.

 

“Is this Gabrielle? Don’t tell me you listen to Gabrielle?” Isak asked incredulously. Even gave him a shocked look, too exaggerated to be actually serious.

 

“Of course I do! She’s a national treasure! She’s a norwegian icon! _A Nicon_.”

 

“Isn’t nikon like a camera?” he deadpanned, to which Even shrugged.

 

“Here try this,” Even shoved a spoonful of egg in his face. Isak quickly took a bite of the eggs that were way to close to his face. 

 

“Good?”

 

“Mhmm.” Isak nodded.

 

“So I was thinking about our date,” Even begins turning around back to the stove, “we should go tomorrow.”

 

“Tomorrow?” Isak raised his eyebrows. “Okay, where are we going.”

 

“That’s a secret.” Even smiled mischievously at him.

 

“Really Even? Are we in grade school” Isak rolled his eyes.

 

“Perhaps!” Even smiled gleefully, not caring at all. “When are you free tomorrow?”

 

“Anytime.” The sadness of that reality struck Isak. “I’d just be watching netflix probably, so yeah.”

 

_ ‘Great sound even more boring Isak’ _

 

“Ooh great! We can end the day with netflix and chill.”

 

“Wow, you must have high confidence in your _‘date’_ skills.” Isak raised an eyebrow. Even barked out a laugh.

 

“I forgot that it meant that.”

 

“Right.”

 

“But on a serious note Isak, there’s no pressure, alright?”

 

“I know.” Isak said softly.

 

The thing is Isak very much did want to _‘chill’_ with Even. Especially if his dreams attested to anything. But he’s never done anything with anyone except kiss, and with a boy not even that. The prospect both excited and scared him. What if he was bad at it? Even’s been with people before, what if realizes how stupid it is to be with someone with no experience. What if he made fun of him. He knew that Even would never do that. But the funny thing about brains is that they don’t give a fuck. Irrational? Don’t care, what if? 

 

“So!” Even’s voice broke him out of his thoughts, “I present you with my gourmet breakfast extraordinaire.

 

“The only one extra here is you.” he stated back. But yeah, the food did look fucking delicious. Again Even simply laughed.

 

 

Okay so the food turned out to be really fucking good. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t had a home cooked meal in 100 years and he mostly consumes snack food and red bull. But he couldn’t contain the sounds that came out of his mouth while eating Even’s meal. During, Isak noticed Even staring at him peculiarly.

 

“What?” He asked.

 

“Babe those sounds.” Even answered huskily, “If that’s what you sound like eating good food…”

 

Isak entire face flared red.

 

“I—” Isak babbled.

 

“You’re fucking hot Isak.” Even furthered. Isak’s face became more red which seemed impossible, but here he was. 

 

After they were done eating and Even grandiosely refused to let Isak help with the dishes, Isak knew he had better head home.

 

“So I’ll call you, or text you.” Even whispered standing very close to Isak. Both of them were beside the flat’s front door.

 

“Jeez Even you say that like we’re aren’t going to see each other for a long time.” Isak mused.

 

“Anytime away from you is too much.” Even whispered. “I can’t wait for tomorrow.”

 

“Me either.” Isak murmured. Even leaned in quickly, surprising Isak, and placing a chaste kiss on his cheek. 

 

“Prepare to have your mind blown tomorrow.” he declared.

 

“Even, you can’t say things like that. Because I _will_ hold you to it.” Isak raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

 

“I hope so!”

 

Finally, finally Isak managed to depart. When he entered the flat he groaned and turned his head up to the ceiling. This was because he was greeted by the overdramatic (something Isak is definitely not, obviously) Eskild gasping and throwing a hand against his heart..

 

“Isak! My sweet summer child.”

 

“Ew.”

 

“Stop it!” Eskild chastised. “My little gay has all grown up. Disappearing with a boy and not returning until the next day!”

 

Isak rolled his eyes, but fondly. 

 

“Nothing happened. We just chilled.”

 

“Wait. You go home with a boy that looks like that and nothing happened!?”

 

“We talked about some stuff.”

 

Eskild’s eyes softened.

 

“Well that’s good too. And mature. Taking care of yourself is very important.”

 

“Stop going all mushy on me.” Isak rolled his head on his shoulder smiling.

 

“Never.” Eskild quipped.

 

When Isak first met Eskild he liked him, but he didn’t want to be like him. After a reality check from Eskild about internalized homophobia and how the gay community is diverse, Isak realized that if he was anything like Eskild he would be very lucky. They might bicker and Eskild might complain at him, but in the end they both really care about each other.

 

“Oh, Isak, you should probably text Jonas. I informed him that you left with Even, but he’s a little upset that you haven’t responded to any texts.”

 

Shit, Isak hadn’t even been thinking of his phone. Definitely dead by now. It is an iphone.

 

“Okay thanks Eskild.” Isak nodded, “I’m just going to go back to my room now.”

 

“Sure sure, and by the way Isak, nice clothes.” Eskild smiled wickedly. Fuck he had forgotten he borrowed clothes from Even. He blushed.

 

Isak flopped down on his bed after he managed to finally locate his charger. Once it was charged he checked his messages.

 

**From The J-man:**

Hey bro where are you?

 

Are you okay at least?

 

Dude did you suddenly forget how to read and write?

 

Eskild told me you left with Even

So are you guys happening now?

 

Is this because of what happened at the party?

I’m not mad Isak

I mean you were a dick

But yeah im not mad

 

**To The J-man:**

Sorry, didn’t charge my phone

while i was with Even

 

**From J-man:**

So????

 

**To the J-man:**

I

 

Nah im just kidding

We just talked, it was good tho

We’re going on a date tomorrow

 

**From The J-man:**

Shit

Get it Son!!!

 

**To The J-man:**

Haha

Shut up

 

**From the J-man:**

Where is he taking you?

Assuming he is the one taking u out

 

**To the J-man:**

I dont know

He won’t tell me

Its a “surprise”

 

**From the J-man:**

Im sure it will be great

 

**To the J-man:**

Thanks bro

Listen about last night, im really fucking

sorry

I really shouldn’t take my emotions out on

other people

Especially my friends

 

**From the J-man:**

It’s no problem bro

Im over it

 

**To the J-man:**

Dude, you’re the best

 

From the J-man:

 

To the J-man:

Hahaha

 

From the J-man:

<3

 

To the J-man:

<3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its father's day in the U S of A and since mydad is a right fucking cunt I wanted to do something positive so I literall sat down and wrote this entire chapter
> 
> anyway I hope all of you have great fathers  
> and if you don't, they can get fucked


	12. Ch. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of a weird chapter but ive been in a block. this should help move the story into where I need it for next chapter or two and then I will be caught up to where I was before I added the rewrites and I can post a lot more

 

**10:12**

 

**From Even:**

I miss you :(

 

**To Even:**

We were just with eachother

in the school yard

 

**From Even:**

:(((((

 

**To Even:**

I’ll see you after class

 

**From Even:**

:D

 

 

 

“Things going well between you and Even?” Jonas’ voice caused Isak to look up.

 

“Yeah,” Isak smiled, “You know we’ve been on 1 date but we’ve been texting a lot.”

 

“Cool,” Jonas nodded, “so no more mixed signals?”

 

“Not really...but he hasn’t kissed me…”Isak admitted.

 

“Have you kissed him?” 

 

“No but he’s more experienced than me….shouldn’t make that move?” Isak frowned.

 

“Are you a 12 year old girl?”

 

“Shut up.” Isak shoved him.

 

“If you want to kiss him just do it, dude. It’s only been 1 date so it’s not that big a deal.” Jonas rolled his eyes.

 

 

**From Even:**

I can see you

You look so hot

 

Isak looked up and around, particularly at the windows.

 

“Even?”

 

“Yeah, he just said I look hot…”

 

“You should kiss him since he obviously wants to. He’s probably just waiting for you to make a move. You guys did slow down because of you.”

 

“Wow thanks.”

 

“Shit I didn’t mean it that way,” Jonas apologized, “just what you told me, you’re taking it slow because of all those misunderstandings and him being so forward or whatever, so maybe it’s up to you.”

 

“Why the fuck did I say we should take it slow? Past me was an idiot.”

 

“Hey, don’t give too much credit to present you either, he’s pretty stupid too.”

 

“Hey, question, why are we friends?”

 

“Who else will let you know when you’re being stupid? I say it because I care bro.” Jonas laughed.

 

“Wow, where are the friends that just stand around inflating my ego and taking my side every time.” Isak sighed dramatically.

 

“I am always on your side. I’ll fight Even for you if it comes down to it.” 

 

“Would you be able to reach?”

 

“Hey I’m not short just because your boy is a tree.” Jonas pointed at him, “besides, tall or not, his as muscular as gumby.”

 

Isak wrinkled his nose, “Not sure how I feel about that.”

 

“About that?”

 

“Implying that I’m attracted to someone who looks like gumby…”

 

“Just strength-wise….he is a good looking guy though.” 

 

“What!?”

 

“Well what am I supposed to say? I got eyes, just because I don’t get turned on by him doesn’t mean I can’t see, like , aesthetics of his face.”

 

“Aesthetics of his face’, pfff.” 

 

 

* * *

 

**14:26**

 

**From Even:**

We should go skydiving

 

**To Even:**

Um???

Why ?

And where would we even do that?

 

**From Even:**

There’s a place in Voss

I’ve wanted to go for ages

 

**To Even:**

Voss is far away tho

 

**From Even:**

But the payoff :D

 

**To Even:**

Expensive

 

**From Even:**

I can pay

Besides imagine how many people 

waste their lives bc they’re too afraid

to go out and live it

 

**To Even:**

If you want take me on exensive 

dates thats cool

But im chill w just hanging out and

playing FIFA 

 

 

* * *

 

**20.20**

 

**From Even:**

My mom is being a nag

Wish i was with you

 

**To Even:**

Lol thats just how moms are sometimes

I wish u were here too

but not really bc i wouldn’t get anything done :’(

 

**From Even:**

Like what?

I’ve never seen u do anything ever lol

But ur cute so its okay

 

**To Even:**

Um, excuse me???

I do lots of things all the time

I made pasta tonight 

 

**From Even:**

Inspirational

 

**To Even:**

I do my own laundry

 

**From Even:**

Because Noora won’t do it for u

 

**To Even:**

Stop bullying me

 

**From Even:**

Aw poor baby

Daddy’s sorry

 

**To Even:**

Holy shit

Hloy shitt

Don’t ever say that again

Omg

I will fucking block u is2g no joke

 

**From Even:**

Hahahahaha

U like it

 

**To Even:**

Absolutly fucking not

 

 

 

“Hmmh,” a voice cleared its throat from Isak’s doorway. Isak looked up and Eskild was leaning against his door frame. “Hey smelly boy.”

 

Isak rolled his eyes, “Hey invasive roommate.”

 

“Wow, after everthing I do for you, like cleaning your dishes you didn’t do FYI,” Eskild pointed at him.

 

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right,” Isak gestured randomly, “so what’s up?”

 

“I just wanted to talk, catch up a bit.” Eskild answered moving to sit on the edge of Isak’s bed.

 

“Um, okay,” Isak narrowed his eyes.

 

“So um, Even?” 

 

Isak tensed up.

 

“You’re not going to try and give me the sex talk right? Because I know how to use the inernet, soo…”

 

“No, Isak, I’m not here to give you the sext talk. And I know you know how to use the internet, these walls are thinner than you think when you listen to, uhumm, things, without headphones.”

 

Isak blushed scarlet.

 

“Whatever...it’s normal to look at porn..”

 

“Of course it is, and that isn’t what I wanted to talk about, but just so you know you  _ can  _ come to me with any questions. Porn is exactly accurate.”

 

Isak groaned.

 

“ _ Anyway,” _ Eskild continued, “ I just wanted to see if everything is good? Like you know what you’re getting into and all? He’s a good guy?”

 

Isak couldn’t even pretend to be irritated, so he just let a fond smile spread on his face.

 

“Yes Eskild, he’s a good guy. We’re doing fine.”

 

“Good, good. But I want to meet him. I’ll take your word but I will be the final judge!” Eskild stated standing back up.

 

“You’re not my dad.”

 

“No I’m better, I’m you’re guru!”

 

“Okay, Eskild.”

 

“Say it, say I’m your guru.”

 

“No.”

 

“The mistreatment in this house is getting out of hand,” Eskild sighed dramatically, “Noora would never treat me like this.”

 

“You can go talk to her.” 

 

Eskild shot him a dirty look. Isak rolled his eyes.

 

“If I call you guru you can never tell anyone I did.”

 

Eskild nodded excitedly.

 

“Okay, you’re my guru.” Isak relented. Eskild clapped his hands in delight and ran to the door.

 

“Guys did you hear? Isak said I was his guru!” He yelled through the apartment.

 

“Eskild!” Isak yelled at him. Eskild shrugged.

 

“Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”

 

Isak rolled his eyes.

 

“Can I get back to my studying now?”

 

“Of course.” Eskild smiled. “Goodnight Isak.”

 

“Night Eskild.”

 

* * *

 

 

**03:18**

 

**From Even:**

Do you ever think about fate?

 

**To Even:**

I thought you believed everyone

is in control of their own destiny

 

**From Even:**

I’ve been thinking

What if fate grants us oppurtunities

and its simply up to us to decide which to take

but either way things will always work out

because it was meant to happen

Like if i were presented with jump or don’t

jump off a bridge and regardless of which

i choose the outcome is the same and

we’re all just limiting ourselves for no reason

 

**From Even:**

What if the government knows that and it’s

just a way for them to keep the people

under control

 

**To Even:**

Wtf Even

Are you okay?

 

From Even:

Yeah im great

Just been thinking about the world and

the universe

 

**To Even:**

I thought that was my thing lol

You should go to bed Ev, it’s 3 in the

morning

I think youre sleep deprived

 

**From Even:**

Aww okay baby

I’ll see u tomorrow

<3

 

To Even:

<3

 

 

 


	13. Ch.13: Now

Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows a song that will break his heart. A song he’s long memorized but sought to ignore. A song that’s been scratching the walls and chipping away the inner panels. Yeah, he knew that this would happen, because he was never meant for anyone and they were never meant for him. Always there has been a siren is his thoughts that lures him away to drown. He’s drowning in his mind, while his mind tries to hold its breath. The pain of psychological suffocation creeping nearer to his end. Yet it doesn’t. Eternally trapped in the moment of near suffocation. He wonders if he’d maybe dreamt it all, because at the moment it feels he’s been here all along. No Isak. No Even and Isak. Only Even surrounded by the harshness of the the minds underground. He’d wanted it all, and tried to take it. But never was it anywhere close. He pushed the boundaries of his fate and now had seen it all collapse. A cruel world obliging him, if only to remind him of his arrogance. He never deserved anything and was foolish to be so ignorant. Foolish to want what he knew could never be his.

There’s a boy out there for Isak. a boy who won’t only cause him pain. A boy that Isak will waste no time moving onto when he realizes he is so much better for him than a boy who ruins every one he meets. He thought it could be different, he let himself reach for a dream that he knew he could never have. He tasted love and it washed away. He was never meant to be anything but alone. But being alone is better than darkening everyone else.

There's a soft knock on his door.

“Even, honey, are you okay?” his mom asks softly. Pitily. What a waste, hurting his own mother, she’d probably leave too if her duty as a parent didn’t persist. He burdens everyone, but selfishly he still wants them. He sinks into their lives and they drown with him. A part of him wanting to cling so desperately to them, anyone. Another insisting he stop making everyone worse off.

“Yeah mom, I’m okay.” he tries to smile toward her.

“I made you a sandwich, I’d really like you try and eat something.” she smiled at him.

“Okay.”

“Alright baby,” she nods and begins to shut the door.

“Mom,” he calls out, he knows it’s stupid but he can’t hold the words back, “do you hate me?”

“I will never hate you. I love you more than anything in the entire world. I’m your mother, and you are the light of my life.” at this point she isn’t so caught off guard. He frequently asks people if they hate him. He know he sounds needy. He knows it sounds ridiculous. Yet, he never really stops believing that everyone is waiting for him to disappear and only deny the hatred out of guilt. So he asks and he asks, and he asks, hoping that maybe this time he will believe them. The words sound pathetic coming out of his mouth but he can’t stop himself, all he wants is to be embraced and not feel broken. But he was never meant for that. Even if the words are empty he uses the falsehood to convince himself to get out of bed. His mother smiles at him as he enters the kitchen.

“I made you a cheese toastie, I'm glad you came out.” she says, it sounds genuine, but why would it be?

He smiled at her and took a seat, becoming all too aware of how hard the world actually was around him. Noticing the cold hard surface of the chair, and the bite of the sharp edge of the table. He takes a bite of the cheese toastie and feels his stomach curdle. The toastie isn't bad, but his stomach wants to reject the sustenance that he does not deserve.

“So honey, are you going to school today?” his mother asks as if it’s any other day.

“I -I don’t know.” He resigns. He does know, he isn’t, but he doesn’t want to break his mother’s heart every time he isn’t strong enough for her. He’s never strong enough for anyone. She only, nods and continues on with light conversation. He can’t really follow, but his mind remembers how to. Muscle memory allows him to answer questions, and respond, but his mind is a thousand kilometers away. He doesn’t really remember everything that happened between then and what is currently happening, but his mother is kissing him on the cheek and promising to be home by 17.00. He smiles for her sake.

Hours seem to pass in minutes. He does take a shower. He sits in there for awhile, at least until his skin became pruny. The warmth of the water, the pounding of the droplets, he wanted it to wash everything away. Wash this Even away, and give back an Even everyone deserved. After he got out of the shower, he found himself wandering around the empty house. The comfort that home should have, just feels foreign. He’s intruding. He crawls back into bed, no longer wanting to see hollow spaces, where comfort should arise. He feels guilty. He knows he shouldn’t feel like this; everyone tries to give him everything, do anything to make him feel better. Yet, he can’t force himself to feel it. He wants to tear down all the lies in his room. Posters, clothes, movies, everything needs to go. He can’t feel anything for them, and he’s so tired of being reminded.

Keep doing the things you like, his therapist has told him, it can be hard but it will help. How is supposed to do the things he liked if he’s not even sure anymore if he ever truly liked them? When he tries, he feels like a failure because he is supposed to feel something at least, right? But he doesn’t even feel hatred, it’s just bland. An automated action, from an automated demand. Lately, he’s been lying in bed, his parents think he’s been sleeping. That’s what he usually does when he feels this way, but this time is different. He can’t sleep. He just lies in bed trapped by his own thoughts.

He wanted to write Isak symphonies, dedicate entire films to him. He knew he would always fall short, because that’s what he does. It’s even harder not feeling this way all the time. Igniting false hope in everyone every time he is doing well. It’s so fucking frustrating. Every time he’s fine, he feels like he’s just biding his time before another fall. Sometimes the fall is up and sometimes the fall is down. Whenever he crashes from mania, he feels like shit. Depressive episodes are common after a manic episode, but part of that is the memory of all the ridiculous shit you did. When he's manic it feels amazing, and it's shit but sometimes he knows he's manic and doesn't do anything about it because it feels so good. Then the depression. And he remembers why the highs aren't worth it. No high could ever make this worth it.

He doesn’t know how long he’s lied there, sometimes the hours just creep by without him even noticing. All he knows now is he can hear the door opening, and shuffling around.

“Has he been in bed all day?” He hears his father ask his mother.

“I don’t know Erik.” She responds.

“He can’t not go to school, Hilde.” he hears him sigh, “Has he been taking his medication?”

“I don’t know, I don't force him to take it. He’s his own person.” she sighs in return.

“If he’s not going to look out for himself, then someone has to do it for him, and we’re his parents.”

“He doesn’t like how they make him feel.”

“And does feeling like that feel any better?” his father demands.

“Erik, please.” his mother responds with tiredness in her voice.

“I don’t want him to hurt himself Hilde.” His dad sounds upset.

“Neither do I!” she whispers harshly back, “I’ve talked to his doctor, she says that she might talk about changing his medication.”

Great, Even thinks to himself. Changing medication again, as if he hasn’t been on five already. He knows he could do better, he doesn’t always take them. Each one has made him feel wrong. Sometimes like his brain is foggy, and sometimes they make him feel like he’s crawling in his own skin.

“She wants to try Lamictal. She says it has been shown really effective in patients who aren’t doing as well on other medications.”

He’s tired of this. He knows they mean well, and they probably think he’s sleeping, but he doesn’t want people to talk behind his back. He climbs out of bed and cautiously walks out into the kitchen area.

“Hi mom, dad.” He greets them.

“Hey bud,” his dad says softly.

“Even, I bought Thai tonight. I know you love it, and gosh I just didn’t feel like cooking.” she smiles brightly at him, even though it’s obvious that she’s overcompensating.

“That sounds great.” He tells her. He eats dinner with his parents, they talk about their days, and thankfully don’t ask him anymore, how he’s doing. He feels like he’s lying when he subconsciously holds conversations with him, his mouth is responding, but he can’t even remember what was said.

Isak hasn’t stopped texting him. He left saturday morning, he knew his roommates would be pissed at him. Even had gotten up before him and prepared breakfast, which Isak was so happy about. Yet, Even knew in a way it was like a goodbye dinner. He put on a face though and he tried to enjoy his company with Isak.

He’s a terrible person. He never should’ve slept with Isak. That’s something he can’t take back. He let his stupid selfishness consume him, he wanted to feel him so bad he put his own wants in the forefront. What kind of horrible person does that to someone they love?

He sank even lower and told Isak to stop texting him. He should’ve explained, should’ve gave him some sort of reason, but he just tore the band-aid off.

There are so many ways to experience depression, and Even thinks he’s experienced them all. It’s a familiar fresh wound each time.

Sometimes it’s a hollowness. An overwhelming blankness. People are talking, he sees smiles and conversation, but he feels nothing. He talks when it’s expected, moves when he’s told, but there’s nothing. The conversations are hard to really follow, because his mind is elsewhere, yet he doesn’t know if it’s because he isn’t thinking anything or he just can’t remember. Still, it doesn’t really matter because the all encompassing apathy prevents a desire to care from arising anyway. Everything seems meaningless, so he just sleeps. Sometimes for hours on end, or even entire days. He doesn’t even dream. If he finds himself at a time where he has slept so much he can’t sleep, he just lies there until he is tired again. It’s not even sad really, but there isn’t any emotions at all, or motivation. He starts navigating the days by expectations, like an alien trying to figure out how to act like a human. Someone asks him to lunch, so he goes. They tell a joke, so he laughs. The bill is due, so he pays it. But through it all he feels numb.

Then there’s a type of heaviness. It almost feels like a less bad form of depression, but in reality it isn’t so much. The face of depression can be subtle. He still smiles, and laughs, and joins in on conversations, even without it being forced. He catches himself feeling ok, but then it hits him. Yet, he knows that isn’t even true, in the back of his mind it has always been there. The knot in his chest never went away, and in that moment his smile slips. He has to be quick to recover, still the smile isn’t the same anymore He knows that, and it makes him feel guilty. He is surrounded by people enjoying themselves, or even simply being care free, but he can’t stop the sinking feeling in his stomach. Then he feels bad about feeling bad. The voices around him start to sound distant like he’s entered another dimension within this dimension. Regardless, he has to keep smiling, and laughing because if he doesn’t act fast, someone may look too closely and know he’s a fraud. They’ll see the dark shadow that’s hanging over his head, and they won’t understand. He can’t explain it to them, they won’t understand. It’s hard to explain to someone the feelings of impending doom when there isn’t a specific reason for it. It’s hard to explain that he can’t just make it go away. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it that thinking of “happy thoughts” just makes him feel worse because that’s _exactly_ what he wants! And he can’t tell anyone how he can’t just think it away, because then he sounds defensive and like he just doesn’t want to try. The dark shadow follows him everywhere. The sharp pain in his chest, the lump in his throat, the rock sitting in his stomach, that bitter feeling that appears randomly just to remind him that he’s not okay. It’s there when he’s with his family. It’s there when he’s watching something funny on the internet. At the theater. At a party. At school. On holiday. He’s always being haunted.

Then he’ll have a “trying to hold it together” phase. This, of course, is almost always just the beginning of finally breaking down. Every bad thought he has, comes out. It’s intrusive. He tries to stop it, but he can’t switch it off. All the typical symptoms of depression start to really become apparent. Sadness. Guilt. Self-hatred. Doom. Fatigue. Forgetfulness. Crying. Exhaustion. Blank mind. But he tries to deny it. If he denies it, then it isn’t happening. It never works. Tears well up and his lip quivers. He forces himself to choke it all back because crying would be defeat. He’s a failure. It doesn’t even matter if he’s alone in his room and no one can see him, if he cries it will all be real. How pathetic. He always loses, though. He’s always useless. Not even able to will himself out of bed. Disgusting.

Sometimes he feels more dead than alive, but other times he feels so alive he’s shattering, and that’s why he wants it to end.

Feelings of self-harm has occurred on many occasions when he’s down. He would never let his parents know that though. They would just worry. They would blame themselves, and it’s not their fault, like always it’s his.

**From Isak:**

I’ll stop texting you if that’s what you want.

But please call me when you are ready, Even.

Why did you sleep with me and then disappear?

I at least deserve an explanation.

 

Like always he doesn’t respond. He can’t it would hurt too much. He’s so selfish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't out of order


	14. Chapter 14: Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is smut in this chapter, sad smut, but smut nonetheless it starts and ends with **** if you want to skip it

 

 

_ In this moment, they are infinite. In this moment, they are free. They need to talk, but right now they are alive. In this moment, they will fly. _

_ “I never want you to leave.” He looked into glassy green eyes. “I want to hold you forever. I don’t want to wake up from this.” _

_ “You don’t have to.” _

_ Standing in the living room of his flat, staring at this beautiful boy, even in the dim moonlit shadows, Even can see everything. He ghosts his hand down the side of Isak’s face, afraid maybe this was all a mirage and he’d disappear in a brilliant shimmering explosion. Isak is staring at him with wonder and hesitance like maybe he doesn’t know if this is real, if this is happening. Reality sinks into Even, he will break him. An innocence, he can’t ever contain. He drops his eyes, a frown forming on his lips. _

_ “Are you okay?” Isak asks. “Are -Do you..want this?” _

_ “I’ve never wanted anything more.” He states intently. His demons will come, but let it be tomorrow. He’s selfish. This will never work, but he craves him so badly, he wants to feel him, he wants to make him feel the universe, even if that world shatters tomorrow. He is cruel. He traces his fingertips over the curve of his lip. _

_ “Do you want this?” _

_ “Yes” _

_ There’s nothing rushed about the way he leans into the shorter boy’s face, pausing before their lips touch, just warm breaths oblique, then combining until it’s impossible to tell whose breath is whose. When their lips touch there is fire. A thousand feelings burning inside him, between them. The chase of the high, the fury of the low he knows still inflames his mind. Now, he can’t think. He won’t think. _

_ “Come with me” _

_ There’s nothing but soft skin and hard curves. He traces the skin, memorizes every centimeter, every second. _

_ “You’re beautiful Isak.” _

_ “Please…Even…” _

_ He kisses his neck, his jaw, his adam’s apple. He could live here forever. All he wants is to make him feel good. He chases his jaw down Isak’s chest. Causing, soft mewling sounds to escape from the boy's mouth. _

_ “Tell me you want me.” He rasps into the skin above his hip bone. _

_ “Even…” _

_ “Please…” he begs. _

_ “Please...Even,” “I want you.” _

_ He knows this isn’t forever, he can never be the right person for Isak, but he can be the right person now. _

_ He kisses him softly a few more times before moving to the top of boxers. Then, he senses a hesitancy from Isak. _

_ “Are you alright?” he questions. _

_ “Yeah...I’ve just...never..done this before. Um, embarrassed.” Isak shrugs bashfully. _

_ “You shouldn’t be. You’re fucking beautiful.” He tells him adamantly. “But I’ll stop if you want me to. We don’t have to do anything, we can just lie together. Any moment I'm with you is fucking fantastic.” _

_ Isak’s breath hitches. _

_ “No, I want this. I want you.” _

_ ***** _

_ He takes Isak’s affirmation and pulls down his boxers. His cock is beautiful, of course it is, everything about Isak is beautiful. He stares a little too long, as he can see Isak get fidgety. Finally, he wraps his hand around him. He’s amazed. He’s warm and the skin is smooth, he can’t believe Isak is so hard, all because of him. Isak groans as he begins to stroke him. Long, slow strokes so he can watch this boy fall apart for him. Without warning he brings his mouth to the head, sticking his tongue out and massaging the underside. Isak jerks his hips, from the unexpected action. _

_ “Fuck.” He says. “Sorry.” _

_ “It’s alright, baby.” Even coos, “you never have to be sorry with me.” _

_ Isak moans again when Even puts his whole mouth around his tip. Even doesn’t move his mouth though, not yet. He wants to draw everything out, make Isak feel alive in a way he’s never felt before. _

_ “Even, please...move! Do something!” The smaller boy cries. So he does. Anything for his prince. There wouldn’t be enough words in any language, anywhere on this planet that could describe how much he loved the sounds Isak makes. Grasping at the sheets, when Even takes his entire length. Even can see Isak’s fingers digging into the couch. The couch isn’t the most romantic place to have sex, but his parents are in Trondheim, and he couldn’t very well do it on top of a bunk. _

_ “You feel so good, baby,” He praises the boy and looks up into his eyes. He knows his face is probably a mess, hair crushed, mouth stretched wide with Isak’s dick, but Isak, Isak looks beautiful. His face is flush, and he’s panting. Golden hair matted down, but somehow still looking fucking sexy. He catches Even watching him and looks away. Even pulls off. _

_ “No. Look at me Isak. I want to see you.” he can hear the desperation in his own voice. Isak lets out a shaky laugh. _

_ “Why?” he asks Even like it’s truly remarkable that he would want to watch that gorgeous face. He slides up Isak’s body and hovers over him. Looking all over his face, feeling drunk on the arousal permeating the room. _

_ “Isak, I could never see enough of you. I want to see you come apart. I want to make you come apart.” _

_ Isak’s eyes are heavy and drooping, his breath coming out erratically. To prove his point, Even moves his mouth onto Isaks. His own lips swollen and slick from, his sucking Isak off. As if he’s been waiting forever, Isak moans and opens his mouth. Gratuitously, Even accepts this invitation and their tongues slide together. He can feel Isak shudder beneath him, and his nails grasps into Even’s back. The kiss isn’t sloppy, but it’s urgent. Isak is demanding, wanting to reach every part of Even’s mouth. He can probably taste himself on Even’s tongue, the thought turning Even on even more. He groans uncontrollably when Isak starts palming him through his jeans. _

_ “Fuck, Isak you are so damn amazing.” He can’t stop the words coming out, he wants Isak to know just how worthwhile he is. “But baby, forget about me right now, I want to make you feel good.” _

_ Painfully, he removed Isak’s hand and worked his way back down his chest, leaving chaste kisses all over his chest and stomach. He worked his mouth around his dick again, this time picking up the pace. Poeticism aside, now all he wants to do is make Isak come apart as quickly and beautifully and possible. _

_ “Ah-H, EVEN! Shit, I'm so close.” Isak yells grabbing his hair forcefully. He doesn’t let up. “No, Even, stop.” _

_ Even looks up at him confused, and Isak looks too turned on to be bashful anymore. _

_ “What is it, baby?” He asks. _

_ “I don’t want to come yet.” He whispers heavily. “I want you to fuck me.” _

_ Even is surprised, definitely, even the thought makes him harder than he knew possible. _

_ “You’ve never done that before.” He cautions him. _

_ “I’ve never done this before either,” Isak argues, making Even chuckle a little. _

_ “Yeah, but that’s different. You need to be really sure.” _

_ “I am.” He states firmly. _

_ “Okay.” Even agrees, kissing the inside of his thighs, and then standing up. “But I need to go get some stuff from my room for that, okay?” _

_ Isak nods impatiently, it’s almost cute. He doesn’t hurry to his room, even if his dick wants him too. No, he takes his time. Breathing in, and preparing himself. When he returns Isak is still lying on the couch, spread out so wantonly. He stops breathing at this sight. _

_ “Even?” Isak looks up. _

_ “Hey, baby.” He smiles. _

_ “What are you doing?” he blushes. _

_ “Looking at you.” He answers honestly and unashamed. “The view is great.” _

_ “Shut up!” Isak laughs. Even leans down and presses another quick kiss on his lips. _

_ “Okay, I need to open you up first. The first time, can be a little painful and very painfully if not done properly.” He tells Isak. “If at any point you aren’t comfortable or want me to stop, tell me, okay? I want you to be honest. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. I don’t care if I’m balls deep, if you tell me to stop I will.” _

_ “Don’t be crude!” Isak smacks him. Which makes Even smile, but still he searches Isak’s face, waiting for an answer. “Okay, I promise, I will tell you if it becomes too much.” _

_ Without further delay, Even begins to get between Isak’s legs. _

_ “Wait!” Isak stops him. _

_ “Yes?” He asks startled and concerned. _

_ “Can..Can you undress too…” He asks, again returning to shyness. _

_ “Aw, are you shy about being the only one completely naked.” _

_ “No...it’s not that...I, I just want to see you too.” _

_ “At my darlings command.” He makes quick work of his jeans, pulling his underwear down along with them. He sees Isak lick his lips, as he takes in his entire form. This time, Isak doesn’t stop him from placing himself between his legs. _

_ “I need you to lift your hips for a minute.” He instructs Isak, slipping a pillow beneath him as he obeys. He kisses Isak’s leg one more time before dripping some lube onto his finger. _

_ “This is going to be a little cold,” He warns Isak, running the lube in his hand to try and warm it up some. Then he places some onto Isak’s entrance. Isak jumps. _

_ “Sorry!” he stutters. _

_ “Shh, shh, it’s okay baby.” Even soothes him. He begins working his fingers around the rim, making him shudder just from that alone. _

_ “Alright, baby, I’m going to start fingering you now,” Even lets him know, “I’ll go slow but tell me if it’s too much.” _

_ He starts with his middle finger, carefully pushing in up to the first knuckle. _

_ “Is that okay?” He looks into Isak’s face, he wants Isak to be sure every step of the way. Isak takes a deep breath. _

_ “Yeah, it’s good.” He nods. “It’s different, but it feels good.” _

_ “Good, good. You’re doing so good for me baby, stay relaxed, just like this.” Even tells him. He pours some more lube and begins to work it inside of him, getting him properly slicked up. He pushes his finger a little deeper, watching Isak’s reactions carefully. Besides for a little shifting, he doesn’t seem upset. He moves slowly stretching him and watching his face distort with pleasure. _

_ “I’m going to add another finger, are you okay?” Even asks after a while, making sure to get permission. Isak nods. Slowly he adds the second finger, and Isak’s face scrunches up. “You good?” _

_ “Hmm? Yeah, I'm okay, just let me get used to it.” He pants. Even waits patiently as Isak’s face relaxes again. “Okay.” _

_ He continues his movement, eventually managing to easily slide 2 fingers in and out of Isak’s entrance. Searching for his prostate, upon finding it, he presses against it firmly. _

_ “OH FUCK!” Isak arches up off the couch. “JEsus, what was that?” _

_ Even can’t help but laugh. _

_ “That’s your prostate, babe.” _

_ “Jesus, I’ve never felt that when I did this myself.” he sighs softly. Even’s dick throbs, thinking about Isak touching himself like that. He continues preparing him until he can comfortably fit 3 fingers inside him, and the for even longer and managing to get all for fingers in. He takes his time because he knows he's big, by the time he feels Isak is stretched enough every inch of Isak's body is drenched in sweat and flushed red with arousal. _

_ “Are ready for me, baby?” He whispers, voice dripping with desire. Isak doesn’t even say anything, just pushes his ass forward and whines. _

_ “Okay, baby.” Even stands up and opens the condom he brought with him. It doesn’t take long to slip the condom on before he’s standing, positioned against Isak. “Alright, baby, it’s really important now that you stay relaxed. This is a lot bigger than my fingers, so don’t tense up.” _

_ He strokes himself a few times and adds some more lube for good measure, then slowly he pushes just the head into Isak. He feels Isak tense and his eye squeeze shut. _

_ “Come on, baby, calm down, you need to relax,” He rubs the boy’s legs, “tell me when you’re ready.” _

_ After about a minute, he can feel Isak relax. _

_ “Okay Even, you can keep going.” He says, hardly even a whisper. _

_ Just carefully, Even pushes in, taking his time. Finally, he’s fully seated inside Isak. It’s heavenly, and agonizing at the same time. _

_ “How do you feel, baby?” He gasps, face inches away from Isak’s. _

_ “So full.” He moans. _

_ “Fuck.” Even curses under his breath. _

_ “You can move now,” Isak whispers. So he does, slowly. Isak is so tight and he almost can’t take the pressure. It feels intoxicating. _

_ “Fuck Isak, I could stay inside you forever.” He admits. He knows there’s sweat building on his forehead. He feels Isak fully loosening up, so he starts to pick up the pace. _

_ “Fuck, Even,” Isak moans over and over again. Even repositions his hips so he’s hitting Isak’s prostate with every thrust. _

_ “EVEN!” Isak screams. “FUCk! Right there pplease, right there.” _

_ At this point, Even is pounding into him with rapid, hard thrusts. His own, chest is heaving, and he doesn’t know how much longer he will last. _

_ “God, you’re so hot,” Even gasps, thrusts becoming erratic as he chases his orgasm, “I’m gonna cum Isak. I’m going to cum so hard for you baby.” _

_ “Please! Cum inside me Even.” Isak moans. That pushes Even over the edge, and he holds himself deep within Isak, probably bruising his hips. Isak has his legs wrapped around him, trying to draw him in deeper. He cums. Hard. His eye’s black out for a moment, and a string of incomprehensible curses, mixed with Isak’s name, spill out of his mouth. Isak’s inside contracts around him, squeezing every last drop out of him. _

_ “Fuck!” he hears Isak shout. His eyes fly open just in time to see Isak’s face twisted in pleasure. Then he looks down and watches in amazement as thick ropes of cum erupt from Isak’s cock. Even rocks his hips inside Isak a few times, to ride out Isak’s orgasm. When he’s done, Isak grabs Even’s hip, stopping his movement. They’re both breathing heavily. _

_ “Don’t pull out yet,” Isak whispers. “I want to feel you inside me.” _

_ Even leans down placing an open mouth kiss to Isak’s mouth. Isak wraps his arms around his neck and opens his mouth. They stay there, kissing languidly, enjoying the post-orgasmic bliss. Finally, Even lays his exhausted head on Isak’s chest, his cock, soft now, still inside Isak. _

_ “I want to stay like this,” Isak whispers. “connected to you forever.” _

_ Even wants that too, but he knows it’s not possible. He loves Isak, but he’ll only hurt him in the end. Not tonight though, tonight he gives himself to Isak. _

_ “I’m gonna pull out now, okay?” He whispers in Isak’s ear. The boy hums permission. He pulls out slowly, and Isak flinches a bit, but he’s finally out. He ties up the condom and tosses it in the bin, knowing that he would just take the trash out tomorrow. _

_ ***** _

_ “Can you walk?” He asks Isak, who he could see lying limply in the same position. _

_ “I don’t know,” Isak admits, still seeming somewhat in a daze. Even smiles softly, he wants to remember this. “Will you try? Come to bed with me.” _

_ He helps Isak up, to walk to his room. _

_ “Wait, when are your parents coming back?” He asks Even worriedly. _

_ “Monday.” He assures him and raises his eyebrows, “do you think I would throw a used condom in the kitchen trash if my parents were going to come home?” _

_ Isak laughs, and as beautiful as the sounds Isak had made moments ago, his laughter could be Even’s favorite song. _

_ “You think you can climb?” _

_ Isak groans. _

_ “Get a normal bed, Even. This is not convenient for post-sex sleep.” Isak complains. Even laughs. _

_ “I’ll think about it.” He winks at him. They both make it up and Even wraps his arm around Isak. They’re both still naked, skin touching skin. Even never wants to leave. He wants to live in this moment for eternity, but he knows he can’t so he just appreciates it while he can. He lays his head between the crook of Isak’s shoulder and under his ear. He focuses on Isak’s breathing, and before long Isak drifts off. Even stays awake for a little while longer, watching him. Memorizing him. He focuses on the soft breaths coming from Isak, and soon he finds himself drifting to sleep as well. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I wasn't so stressed irl rn so I could write more fics before my interest in skam disappears
> 
> I hope everyone still keeping up with this is still enjoying it

**Author's Note:**

> I actually deleted a lot of files where the chapters were saved so I somehow figured out how to recover them, which is really a feat bc i'm dumb af. literally the other day I asked what a sim card was
> 
> this isn't all the chapters, I have to format again and I'm making some changes to things I didn't like, but I deleted this fic ages ago so I don't think anyone will really notice the differences.... 
> 
> I'm still not like an amazing writer or anything, but I hope it can be fun anyway
> 
> anyway I hope you enjoy it


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